A Blistery Day and a Random Post.

I gotta say as much as I'm not at all a morning person, being able to work an eight hour shift and clock out of work by noontime is really wonderful. Plus I get the chance to be pretty lazy the rest of the day while also getting a ton of stuff done (As in, put away a stupid amount of laundry and finish organizing my bedroom that has been neglected for far too long...) And to top it all off I left work in the middle of a normal day in the life of a New Englander: It was snowing as I watched the sun peak out from behind the clouds.

I decided that I need to stop spending so much time pinning "How to Make Money With Your Blog" pins and you know... Write on my blog. So here I am, writing for no reason whatsoever except to, you got it, WRITE!

I bought a really nice pink notebook at Target on Tuesday that I am dedicating to being my Blog Book! Whenever I'm out and about, or sitting at home and inspiration strikes, I am going to outline my thoughts into a (hopefully) interesting post! I'm not much of a planner when it comes to posting on here as you can probably tell by my sporadic posting. I figured having an obnoxious and bright notebook compared to the black notebook I used to have would be helpful in this!

(Hope you enjoy my awkward handwriting)

Since I was out of work and home by 12:30 I was trying to make folding laundry less dreadful by thinking of my blog and my brandy new Blog Book. I am a true believer in outlining and thinking ahead when it comes to writing anything -- I'm just not that good at taking my own advice. So there's a New Years Resolution: ORGANIZE FIRST.

***

One of the things that I wrote in my Blog Book is what do I want out of this blog? I know I've said it before and some people probably just read this blog to be nosy and could care less where I'm taking my blog, but I want to have some sort of idea what I'll be posting, and when. Almost like theme days!

I haven't really decided exactly what I'm doing in regards to posting certain criteria on certain days. However I do know I want to post just about anything at this point. I need to stop being so afraid of what people are going to say about me, or think about this blog. If I want to do a food, book, movie, TV show review I'm gonna do it! If I feel like taking some nice mirror/self-timer selfies for an #ootd post then you're gonna see my clothes! Do I want to talk politics, religion or the topics that society seems to deem "Unmentionable"? Definitely someday, because I have big thoughts that are not filtered because of my big mouth. I'm going to post absolutely anything and everything; whatever me, the writer, damn pleases. I'm being repetitive from earlier posts; I just needed to remind myself that by running this blog I'm working towards my dreams and that's all that should matter :)

I am SO guilty of sitting on Pinterest (Reoccurring themes this post, I know!) and looking at quotes and books and motivational speeches. I happened to notice this particular post right up front on the "Popular" page not too long ago and immediately fell in love. Admittedly I had no idea what works this quote came from, or if it was a misquote or what have you at first. I decided if it was in any of Fitzgerald's novels I was going to read it immediately. And from what I found was that it was a quote from the screenplay of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Hey, I still instagramed it. No shame.

I fell in love with the idea of this quote. It doesn't matter if you're fresh out of high school looking to recreate how your peer perceive you as you venture into college life, or just graduated from college, or found a job, whatever, and you realize you aren't happy with yourself. Find what makes your heart race with excitement and anticipation. Think about what you find your mind wandering to in the middle of the night when you're tossing and turning, overthinking about the job you are going to sign your life away to working day after day. And if you find a job and realize it isn't as rewarding as you first believed it to be: QUIT. Move on. Find your niche. Let yourself be happy at your job. Let yourself be happy in general. Don't work your life away just to get that paycheck to make your bills. Find something that makes you happy. Find something where on Monday mornings you are jumping out of bed at the thought of your job. Life is too damn short to waste away inside a building you dread seeing. Be courageous, be selfish. It won't kill you, I promise.

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Here I am at the tail end of another seemingly pointless post. I feel better than I wrote SOMETHING, even if it seems as though I'm just talking to my computer screen and writing down whatever comes into my brain. I'm still working on organizing and pre-planning my posts, guys! I only bought my notebook three days ago! (........) 

Do I have any advice for the masses, or another Pinterest-discovered quote? If you guessed yes to both, then you win!

My advice? Do what you love. Do not ever be ashamed of chasing after your dreams no matter how utterly insane they may seem right now. There are going to be bumps in the road. There will be people who tell you that your dreams are stupid, or unreachable, and people who will try to make you feel inferior. People will laugh at you. And you know what? Fuck them. *insert peace emoji*

Now I bid you farewell with a collage of some of my favorite Words I have found on my (never-ending) Pinning journey:

Find me on Pinterest :) I also repin way too many food and drink recipes.

xoxo

2015.

I knowwww... Go head and groan at another new years post... I am sorry. Well, not really. Sounds good though, right? Or you could, you know, not read this. Either way, I am jumping on the bandwagon of reminiscing about the past twelve months.

2014 was interesting. It wasn't the best year of my life (2010 still holds that record) but it also wasn't absolutely horrendous (I haven't given any year that title so far). It was just simply interesting. I had a horrible start to the year, but then I realized that I survived the hardest tribulation of my life for a second time, so the next eleven months could only go up from there. And they definitely did. I learned SO much about myself, the world, and life throughout the year. I honestly went into 2014 thinking I finally had found a year I could deem "The Worst Year Ever" but I decided the first week of January I had to stop being so damn pessimistic, and then began to try really fucking hard to make the best out of any situation thrown my way. And I am so glad I did.

I watched Ryan's Dad and step-mom get married (finally!!!) in January. I went on an anniversary getaway weekend in March. I blacked-out with my cousin at a townie bar, and got kicked out at last call for the first (and probably last) time ever. I almost went to nursing school (HAHA). I gained new best friends. Ryan passed his firefighter exams. I got to dance in a recital at my old dance studio. I got to attend three Red Sox games, one of them being Opening Day, and another being Derek Jeter's last game ever. I spent a week on Brant Rock with my family and friends, and the majority of the summer on Cape. I turned 22 at Fenway, too. I read 57 books all year. Some of my favorite books were adapted in incredible movies. I saw some of my favorite Youtube personales (and idols) at a live comedy show in second row. I went to a concert with some of the best people in the world (While also slicing my foot open in the parking lot). Old friendships were rekindled. I celebrated the holidays with my best friends and family by my side. I decided to go back to school in January. I decided to do what I love.

On the flip side, 2014 had it's drawbacks. Although I do not want to focus on them too much, hardships in life teach us to be ever more grateful for every minute we live.

I sat through a trial the first week of January, and I lost. One of the first mentors I had, Mr. Jack Scanlan, passed away. My best friend from elementary school told me to never speak to him ever again because he got engaged. I watched some of my best friends lose loved ones. I went a few months completely isolating myself from the real world caused by crippling self-doubt that I had obtained. I started to believe that I was going nowhere in life, and began to think that life was pointless.

Then I started to think of all the things I had accomplished, or witnessed, or experienced throughout the year, and what would come about as 2014 continued on. I started to realize that I had already been dealt some crazy cards in my lifetime, and although there would be more hands I would lose in the poker game that is called life, I would survive. I may feel as though life is too hard, or not worth it, or feel like a complete failure in my goals, but life goes on. Even if I died tomorrow, I have seen more of the world than some people ever will, I have received love that others dream of, and I have been given the greatest support system that others dream of having.

Life is interesting, and it always will be this big, interesting, confusing poker game.

(Now here is a plethora of photos from my favorite moments of 2014):

Do I have any resolutions? Not really, no. I am horrible at keeping up with remembering what I even said I would try to accomplish in 2015. And to be totally honest, twelve months is a reaaaaally long time. You don't know what could happen to you tomorrow, what could change the course of your life. So trying to make a resolution into the unknown of the new year is daunting to me. Instead, I am going to make a Moments Jar... So instead of writing down resolutions I am going to write down moments from 2015 I hope to never forget. And whenever I'm having a rough day, or feel as though I'm wasting away the year, I'm going to read my Moments. And on New Years a year from now, I will reread them all. And hopefully write another positive blog post.

Here's to you, 2015. I am excited to see what the next twelve months bring to me, my family, and my friends. I know hardships will be inevitable. School will be horrifying. My life is going through some big changes in 2015. I would be lying if I said I wasn't absolutely terrified. That's life, though. A crazy, interesting, explainable journey.

Now buckle up, because 2015 is ready for you.

xoxo

Why It's OK to NOT Be OK.

First off, let me just say I am

so.

frustratedly.

uninspired.


I have five drafts saved on my laptop of halfway finished posts. I have another two post ideas which are just titles. Lately I just haven't really had the mindset to share my thoughts and words online. Mostly because my brain has been all over the place. Which, admittedly,  results in some of my best writing. However, my best writing isn't always something I want to share with people.

Today though is one of those days where you wake up and just know the entire day is going to be crap. Given, I'm not the most optimistic person even on the best of days, but I knew the second my alarm went off today was just gonna be one of Those Days. Naturally, it's been one of those days because I believed that it would be. Maybe if I woke up every morning and thought "I'm gonna kick today's ass no matter what!" I wouldn't have these days. However, nobody is perfect. People have bad days.

Which is why I'm here, as someone who has Those Days at least three times a week, to tell you that there is absolutely nothing wrong in admitting you are not OK.

There is nothing wrong with telling yourself, or the people around you, you are having a bad day. Or a bad life. Or admitting we do not meet the requirements that society has coined as perfection.

Last time I checked, nobody is perfect. Celebrities have (verrrryyy public) mental breakdowns because society plasters their "Perfect life" all over the place. That's quite the pedestal to be put on, if you think about it. Imagine having every time you step out of the house, or text someone, post an Instagram, ending in countless magazines, television screens and radio talk shows. Celebrities can have the money, I'll take my everyday life privacy.

As a result of the media constantly selling Perfection, we as normal, everyday beings, begin to think that having a handful of flaws is suddenly a bad thing. Let me repeat:

IT IS NOT A BAD THING TO BE IMPERFECT. ACTUALLY, IT'S FUCKING NORMAL.

There are people in the world out there who are going to think that the sun shines out of their ass, and that's OK. Because you will ignore those people. They are the people who are the reason the media is still around, tearing down celebrities for every last little thing they do in life. The people out there who think they are Perfect usually have the car, the money, the friends, the "Life", but at the end of the night they are not truly happy.

Which do you chose: Perfection, or Happiness?

Let's play a game, quick.

Think back to the last time you felt like not getting out of bed because the World just didn't seem worth it. You knew that you were stuck in a rut. You began to realize the people around you were not changing. You had the same routine day in, and day out. You felt like you were in a losing battle with yourself. You felt as thought you aren't good enough. You aren't where you want to be in your career, or you definitely aren't anywhere near where you thought you'd be at this age as a child. Think of all the things you planned to do in 2014 as a Bucket List, but never completed.

Take a second to think about the last time you just hid under your covers and cried all day to let go of all the negative energy. Think about the last time you saw a Facebook status that hit you in the gut, or a photo on Instagram that made you feel less about yourself. Think about the drive to work when you wonder "Will my job ever get better?" or "Will I ever not have to drag myself out the door to leave for work?" Think about all the times you have laid in your bed feeling sorry for yourself.

Now take a second to try to remember the last time you admitted that to someone, besides a significant other, or a family member, or a close friend.

Exactly.

You probably didn't tell anybody besides the two or three people in your life that you trust not to judge you. The people who wouldn't use your imperfections against you. You hid your breakdown from the world because then you would be admitting you aren't perfect.

Ready for the next part of the game?
It's secret telling time.

I had a breakdown today, at about 1:15 in the afternoon. I cried. I thought about how shitty my life can be. I thought about every bad thing that has happened to me in the past year, the bad things that will continue to happen to me. I felt sorry for myself. I let all the horrible things I have been said about me, whether online, or to my face, even years ago, take over my mind. I let myself feel like the worst waste of skin and bones this world has ever created. I cried so much I felt sick.

Are you still reading? Or have you run away from the Imperfections I admitted to you?

Now let's go to part three of the game.
It's time to admit you've probably felt like I did today at least once this year.
You probably had a day where all you did was feel horrible. And cry. And think there was nobody else worse in the world than you.

(And if you haven't felt like that: See that X box in the upper right hand corner of my blog? Please leave, because you are one of those people who thinks the sun shines out of their ass, and you're probably the reason people feel like shit sometimes.)

It's normal to have these days. In fact, I truly believe they are healthy.

After I let all the tears free of my body, let heart rate slow back to normal, I thought to myself "OK. Just breathe. It will be alright. It's OK to feel like this. It's OK to have emotions. It's OK to NOT be OK".

I rolled over, grabbed my laptop, and started writing this post. Instead of feeling bad for myself the rest of the day I thought that maybe this one time posting something I wrote in the middle of an emotionally exhausting day would help someone. No filters, not embarrassment. Just me, my laptop, my feelings, my words. And you.

I truly don't understand why people don't talk about things when it comes to our mental stability. It's almost like it's taboo to admit that we may not all have perfectly functioning brains. Why when we hear words like "Bipolar" or "Anxiety" we instantly think of horrible people with horrible intentions; most people think of someone locked up in a mental hospital in a straight jacket.

Trust me, it is far from that. Most people who struggle everyday you probably would never had guessed that getting out of bed is hard for them every single day. On the flip side, people who struggle with mental disorders aren't walking around with a neon sign on their forehead saying that life is sometimes fucking hard.

Nobody is, really. Because we are supposed to be perfect.

I guess the whole point of this post to make people realize that none of us are perfect. We all have flaws. We may not have to talk about them so openly (I'll admit that I have plentyyyy of flaws that I'm not yet ready to divulge into on the blog. Maybe someday) but we need to recognize and respect that idea. Instead of taking advantage of each other's imperfections, why can't we celebrate them?

Please, please remember that it's OK to not be OK. 

We all have those days where we feel like the world is shutting every door in our faces, but that only means another door will open soon. We all have felt as though everything you have done in life means absolutely nothing as we watch our lives crumble. That just means you need to dig yourself out of the rubble and rebuild.

You can rebuild. I have before, and I will do it again.

Today I feel as though my world is burying me alive but I know that once I find my tools to dig myself out of this slump, I will emerge feeling as though I could conquer the whole entire Universe. Today just sin't that day, and that is OK. I got a tattoo in January that reads "Unbreakable" with the symbol for Female above it. And days where I feel so awful, I just think about that tattoo, and why I got it, and remember that the world can't break me.

And if you ever want to talk, about anything, message me. Comment on this post. Reach out, ask for help. I know that's not easy because I rarely, if ever, ask for help. But I promise, reaching out is one of the best things you can do. I may not have expert advice, but sometimes you don't need the advice, you just need someone to listen.

You are far from perfect, but that's the best thing about you.