Unapologetic.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

I said I was going to write a review on Tyler Oakley's book almost two weeks ago... And then life got in the way. And I got kinda sidetracked. And then I realized I'm horrible at writing reviews. I mean, I should've known a review wouldn't come out too good when it takes me three or four edits to write a decent research paper. I'm a great English major. 

I mean, I guess this is kind of a review since there's quotes and advice from Tyler's book. But I'm not gonna really get into it because I want you to buy his book. It's raunchy, it talks about buttholes*, and he is unapologetically himself through the entire book.

* My computer keeps trying to autocorrect "butthole" to "

buttonholes" and I want you guys to laugh at that like I am, 

so there's an insight to my blogging experience currently.

“I was taught that being myself was not only okay, but encouraged - and by being unapologetically yourself, you thrive and inspire others to thrive.” 

This is the quote that made me absolutely fall in love with Tyler (Well, Ok, even more than I already am). I had to sit there and put the book down for a second and just kinda think about my career choice. It was at that moment I realized I wasn't blogging the way I knew how to -- I was trying to please a tiny percentage of my blog audience by censoring myself, or not posting about topics I knew they wouldn't agree on or want to read. Honestly there's maybe three people tops who don't like the way I blog because of my swearing, or wanting to talk about "sensitive" topics... So why the fuck am I trying not to write in my own voice? Who CARES about those three people? I honestly think my blog has been suffering because I've been trying to create a "new" version of myself and my writing... And honestly, it doesn't work. You can't please everyone! So if people aren't going to like you, or what you have to say/write, let them dislike the real you. I may swear a lot, or talk about pooping or sex or pervy things, but that's who I am. And I am not apologizing for it anymore.

“Sometimes doing what's right for your conscience is not always the most popular decision, but I can guarantee that in retrospect you won't regret the choice you made.” 

I don't have much to say about this quote except... It's so true. It kind of goes hand and hand with being myself, especially with this blog. I dropped out of school for two years to discover myself and to really figure out what I wanted to do with my life, and I don't think that's something people understand unless they've been through it themselves also. I know I talk about it all the time but taking time for yourself and being selfish is never a bad thing. You cannot be happy or successful with anything else in life, whether it be a career or a relationship, unless you are content and confident with yourself.

“No person, no matter how important society deems their relationship to you, has the right to denounce you for who you are.” 

One thing I never really talked until recently is the fact that my Mom and I don't have a relationship. Now that I no longer live with her and I've gotten older we can hold a conversation without yelling at each other or having things thrown across the house but I truly don't believe we will ever have that "Mother/daughter/best friend" bond that most girls get with their Moms. I'm not going to bash my mother on my blog because I honestly have no need to, but unless you have a strained relationship with a parent it's just something extremely hard to understand. This quote was the one and only time the whole book I cried out of sadness, because it's about Tyler's relationship with his Dad. Our circumstances are far more different, but it was nice to read of someone who I look up to and admire and respect that had put my feelings of guilt into words. Nobody has to tell you to have a relationship with your parent -- just because they gave birth to you doesn't mean they are your parent. It takes more than giving life to be a parent. This is something I've always wanted to talk about on the blog but have never really had the guts to do but I think knowing Tyler put his relationship with his Dad out in the open in his book I will write about it, and soon. It's such an important topic for people to understand or realize that they aren't alone. I never asked to have such a strained relationship with my mother, but it happened, and I live everyday knowing that we aren't that close. And trust me, it fucking sucks. No kid who has a shitty relationship with their parent has ever asked for it. We also don't want to hear "But they're your only parent"... Just. No. But I will get into that another time.

*******

Tyler's book is incredible. It takes you on an adventure of his life from the beginning throughout his amazing Youtube career. Putting yourself out on the internet is absolutely terrifying. When you're a YouTuber you can edit out the bits and pieces you don't want your viewers to see, but writing a book you are exposing yourself completely. Something about writing makes me braver; it gives me a voice I would never have the nerve to use out loud, and I saw that through each page of Binge. If you need a good laugh and a good cry all in one day, I truly recommend you stopping by any store that sells books and pick up a copy.

I'll leave you guys with this one last quote to prove that Binge isn't all serious business... Something that will hopefully make you laugh out and loud. We all need some laughter in our lives, right?

“Over my lifetime, I've had an interesting relationship with poop...the rectum is a grand thing. My favorite thing about the human body is that we're all basically doughnuts.” 

*******

Find Tyler on social media, I promise you won't regret it :)

Youtube

Twitter

Buy his book

#WhyIWrite

Today is National Writing Day, something I had no idea existed. I mean there are hundreds of Nation Something Days -- We celebrate our dogs, our siblings, our caffeinated beverages... But I never knew there was a specific day to celebrate writing. Pretty rad, I admit.

I first stumbled across the hashtag #WhyIWrite on Twitter and was intrigued. Scrolling through the tweets I instantly I felt this overwhelming emotion and couldn't exactly put my finger on it until I realized I was inspired and proud; proud to be a writer, proud of my dreams, and absolutely unashamed of my aspirations.

I haven't written on the blog in awhile because I have been feeling insecure about a lot of things. Not even just my writing, but my personal life. You know those black clouds that follow you some days where you look in the mirror and ask "Why am I ugly? What am I doing in life? Why am I not where some of my friends are in their careers"... Well I'm lucky enough to get caught in those storms for days on end. When I start comparing myself to others I can absolutely tear myself apart, whether it's about my appearance, my job or where I'm at in life. I may preach to be yourself and to remember life isn't a road race but sometimes it's really freaking hard to take your own advice. Discovering today was National Writing Day gave me that fire to get back into the swing of things and reminded me that this is my life and I can do whatever I want with it. I can be a writer, not everyone has to agree with my choices. Because it's my life. Not everyone is going to like what I have to say but that means they are still reading. But out of the small percent of people out there who may think I'm crazy there are hundreds more who support me and want me to succeed.


It's hard to take your own advice, but never lose sight of your dreams or convince yourself they're too far out of reach. If you aren't afraid of your dreams, you aren't trying hard enough to reach them. I say it all the time but never settle in your life about anything, especially when it comes to your career. Do what you love and you will never work a day in your life.

Here's the thing about writing: It's hard. Writing is draining. Writing can make you feel like you climbed the tallest mountain but then push you off the ledge and watch you fall down the summit while laughing at you. Writing can free your brain but at the same time your imagination absolutely consumes your conscious.

At the same time, writing is beautiful. At the end of a particularly stressful writing day I can look back at all the scribbles, cross-outs and crumbled pieces of paper and realize that through all the anxiety and hatred towards my own words I accomplished something. I finished that chapter. I finished that blog post. I got there and I can stare at my work and see what I have created. It's an incredible feeling. Each view on my blog I smile, knowing that my words are being ready by someone other than the insides of my journal. Hoping that someone out there is looking at my words the way I have looked at many other writers words since I was a kid.

Writing can seriously change the outlook on anything; it has for me many times. I've always been a reader and I will admit that I would much rather stick my head in a book than talk to most people. There are books I've read so many times the pages fell out of the binding and I had to buy a new copy. I have books that are highlighted and dog-eared while other books I barely read myself because I want to cherish them and keep them clean. Words are an amazing thing. They make us think, they make us reconsider. Words can change us.

National Writing Day means a lot to me; it's a day I am going to chose to celebrate everyday. I realize now that I don't want to be a writer, I am a writer. I can take every thought, emotion or circumstance and put it all into words and create something. I may be able to make someone sit and think "YES! She gets how I am feeling!". I am really starting to see how lucky I am to have found something I am passionate about when I was nine years old and continue to love and appreciate to this day.

To end this blog post I would just like to dedicate National Writing Day to the first author who I considered to be an inspiration to me; someone I still look to in her writing when I'm feeling insecure or stuck, a woman who goes to great lengths to research for her stories. A woman who made me look at life in many different ways through each of her stories.

If by some miracle you come across this post and made it this far, I dedicate this National Writing Day to you, Jodi Picoult. Thank you for being my motivation and my inspiration every single day as I begin my journey of becoming an author. You are incredible.

On Love.

I know I'm only twenty-three but throughout these short years I've learned some valuable life lessons; many of them stemming from the relationships I've been in... I met my first boyfriend my freshmen year of high school; but we don't talk about him or anything about that relationship. I dated my childhood best friend throughout the tail end of high school. And then I lucked out at meeting Ryan when I was eighteen in my first year of college. My past boyfriends, while trying to be being polite, have been quite the cast of characters. Every relationship is different and every person you give a piece of your heart to is going to treat you differently, whether that is a good thing or not. Even with friendships -- you will have the friend who expects everything of you while also having the friend you only talk to every six months, but both of them still hold the same amount of importance in your life.

I have a few friends who are going through a hard time right now with their love life and it's extremely hard to tell someone in the middle of what seems to be the worst pain of their life that it does get better. Coming from someone who has loved fiercely and lost profoundly more than once, I know that love is amazing but it's also terrifying. Love, when you find the right person, is the most incredible thing you could share with somebody.

So this is for you, my friends, who feel as though love isn't worth it. Here are nine important lessons I have learned over the years that I truly believe you should always keep in mind.

1. The cliche that you must love yourself before loving anybody else is the truest thing in the whole world. You cannot give someone your heart fully if your mind is full of self-doubt. 
I used to laugh at this; I was always the girl throwing the pity party and begging for attention. I was convinced the universe was out to get me, and in return it reflected into my relationships. I picked fights because I would get easily angered over nothing, I would need to know constantly where he was or who he was with -- I had no confidence in myself so I was always concerned of him finding someone different. As I've gotten older I have come to accept myself for who I am. I am easily angered, I do have random strikes of anxiety, but it doesn't make me any less of a person. When you can love yourself and appreciate even the tiniest of flaws in yourself, you can accept the flaws in your partner.

2. You cannot, cannot fix someone.
Yes, nobody is perfect. We all have those "quirks" others will not like. However, sometimes people are so insecure in themselves that they must destroy everyone around them. I tried for an extremely long time in both of my previous relationships to fix them; to shine light on their insecurities. Not to lessen their self worth but to show them that in order to give all of their heart to someone else they must be able to overcome their own demons. This goes back to number one: You cannot fix someone, they must fix themselves. If you're struggling, whether it's a mental battle, or a physical battle -- get help. There's nothing wrong with that. And if someone tells you to get help, they aren't belting you; it's because they care.

3. It's OK to leave if you aren't happy. It's especially OK to leave if you aren't safe.
Sometimes people won't see exactly why you're leaving, but it's OK to be selfish and end a relationship if you are no longer happy. Your happiness is just that -- YOURS. There's a catch to this though: Don't go out looking for a replacement while you're still in a relationship. If you are not happy do not lead somebody on... I've been in that position and it hurts more in the long run knowing that your relationship was full of empty words and empty promises for months than if it just... ends. Here's probably the most important thing I'm going to say this entire post: If you are in any sort of abusive relationship, it is OK to leave. You will be safe. You didn't deserve any of that to happen to you. You didn't ask for it. You are not going to be looked down upon for staying. But it is ABSOLUTELY ALRIGHT to get out. Abusers don't need you to help them get better. They need to be able to do it on their own. My very first relationship I still don't talk about very much. I was fourteen, I was convinced I was in love. I thought love meant my boyfriend following me home, or having his friends follow me home. I thought it meant I had to let him know every little thing I was doing. Him picking out my clothes was cute. Picking him to hang out with over every one of my friends was being in love. He only hit me a few times, but it happens... Right? I cannot stress this enough: Your safety will always, always come first. If they threaten to kill themselves -- they probably won't. It's a scare tactic; one that kept in a relationship years longer than I wanted to be. Do not let somebody else's misery become yours; do not let them someone make you feel worthless.

4. Love should be about sharing happiness, sharing moments, and becoming better people together. Love is not about one person being completely dominant while the other withers into nothingness.
One of the biggest things that happens while we are in love is we tend to lose ourselves. We become so consumed in the people we love that sometimes we make sacrifices in our own, separate lives to please our partners -- this is not alright. It's one thing to experience new things and have new interests when we meet someone, that is normal. I would never have known I enjoyed music if it wasn't for an ex, or realized I actually enjoyed being in the wilderness if it wasn't for Ryan. But I still have my own thoughts, my own feelings; there are things Ryan and I disagree on. Before, I decided that being miserable and wanting to live with my boyfriend at fifteen was a great idea; I believed in God; I thought Obama was a bad president... All things my boyfriend's had convinced me to believe in because they wanted a girlfriend who molded their idea of the "perfect girl". They did not accept me for who I was, for my own interests, my own opinions. I was not my own person. I couldn't have my own thoughts; hell, I couldn't even have my own feelings without being chastised for them. Do not lose sight of what you believe in for somebody else. You can learn new things about yourself without having to give up your own hobbies, feelings, or beliefs.

5. Not every relationship needs to be the attempt at Happily Ever After. You need to live in the here and now. Planning out your entire future is going to result in disappointment -- every time.
It doesn't matter if you're 18, 25, 30, 50... You cannot look at someone you are dating and hoping they are the one. Not going to lie, I would love to look into a crystal ball and see who I marry, when I get married, and when; I mean who wouldn't? But here's the thing: You can't focus all of your attention on the future. It will absolutely ruin your relationship. Thinking of the far away future puts an absurd amount of pressure on a relationship; pressure that isn't needed along with the everyday worries of life. Another cliche: Just go with the flow. Don't worry about if the person you're with is your soulmate -- enjoy your time together and the memories you are making. And if you're still together fifty years from now, you have fifty years of memories together.

6. Every relationship has meaning in your life.
This was something that was incredibly hard for me to comprehend. It's especially hard to understand why you were with someone if it was an unhealthy relationship or if you were cheated on. Here's the thing: Everything does happen for a reason. You learn from absolutely everything in life, even when those life lessons seem unfair at the time. When you're in an unhealthy relationship, you look back on everything that you had dealt with and gone through and realize your own self worth. You begin to realize what you deserve and want in a partner. Honestly I don't think I would be as strong willed and determined to do amazing things in life if I hadn't been in the relationship I was in. Being constantly told you aren't good enough or not smart enough to achieve your dreams by someone you are in love with is a hard pill to swallow, but years later I realize those words no longer hold me back but push me forward to achieve what is considered impossible.

7. Moving on is acceptable, especially because it is totally possible to be in love more than once.
I will fully admit as much as my last relationship was a little wanky, I was very in love with my ex. We were together during the "big" moments of your teenage years: proms, graduations, starting college. We were together during the years where you really begin to learn who you are as a person and what you want to make of your future... Which is why we didn't end up being together forever. My love for him is absolutely nothing in comparison to the love I have for Ryan now -- it almost makes me laugh that I even say I was "in love" before. But that's the thing: There are different types of love, and different ways to love. He was the high school love, where I'm glad I got to share my memories of graduation and high school summers with him, even if I wasn't always my happiest. Ryan is someone I see myself moving in with and spending (hopefully) the rest of my life with. I was young and still learning when I was with my ex; now I know what I want to do with my life and who I want by my side through all of my trials and tribulations. You may have thought that someone was your forever and it didn't work out. But it's OK to move on and be happy with somebody else. It's perfectly normal to always hope for the best for someone you shared time with, but making yourself happy should be your top priority.

8. Love should be easy, and love should be motivating.
When you find your person, working at your relationship will be extremely easy. Obviously there will be fighting matches, nights one of you sleeps on the couch, days where you want nothing to do with each other... But at the end of the day you fall back into each other like the fighting was nonexistent. Relationship always need work but you will know when you find the one. You won't think of your ex anymore, you won't wish your past was your present, you find yourself thinking of your significant other in the busiest of moments... Love shouldn't be a battle, it shouldn't be one sided, and it absolutely should make you see the beautiful things in absolutely everything. Love should motivate you to make other people around you -- when you have found true, indescribable love you become one of those people who start to get annoying when they talk about their relationship (I can be one of these people sometimes, sorry!). You know, the people who find the good in the crappy situations, who try to play matchmaker with their single friends, who start to see the warning signs in their friends current relationships. When you find the right person you start to become your true self.

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“Love is not a because, it's a no matter what.” 

Jodi Picoult, Second Glance