Never Settle.

I had a professor last semester who told me to never settle; advice given after spilling my innermost fear of the fact that I will more than likely never have the dream job I desire to her. She told me she never saw herself as a college professor because of her early years as an undergrad where she didn't know who she was or what she wanted out of life. A feeling every person in their 20's (at least) feels. I've had multiple customers at my job who are many years into their careers tell me to do what I love because I will never regret waking up in the morning thinking of all the days of my job I have ahead of me.

I've talked about this before but I'll say it again: Knowing what you want out of life, regardless how big or small, is a liberating feeling. There is nothing more terrifying than not knowing what you want out of your life; it feels like an identity crisis. I was in school for teaching, then almost took a swing at nursing (Where my lack of math skills probably would've killed someone honestly), to thinking of early education, to finally letting go of the idea of making tons of money and settling finalizing on a writing major. 

Settling.

That's what I used to say. But why should we "settle" on a major? If it was something I could see myself doing for the rest of my life I should be saying I'm excited, passionate and proud of what I decided to spend thousands of dollars on for a degree that will map out my future career path. Settling was how I felt at first -- I had always been a gifted writer even if I didn't feel that way but many of my teachers all throughout my schooling had told me so, as time went on I realized I was no longer settling on a career but was truly excited and proud to talk about what I wanted to do with my life.

Settling.

It can be our careers. We go for what brings in the money as we chose to ignore our true passions. We push aside happiness for the large checks. We drag our feet to work everyday watching the clock tick closer to punching out and landing on our couches. It can be love. We stay with people that we convince ourselves we love because it's comfortable. Even if we know the relationship isn't going to last. Again, we push aside happiness for what we understand because the unknown is terrifying. It can be our health. We know we need to fix our mentality, or even our physicality, but don't. We just settle towards the idea "it is what it is" because the effort doesn't seem worth it.

Trust me. It is never worth it to settle for anything less than what our innermost conscious tells us. Don't ignore the tugging at your heart telling you to go after what you absolute desire. 

I was afraid from the minute I graduated high school and went to my first college class to major in writing. I had people tell me "You don't need a degree to tell you that you're an excellent writer." I never once thought I could make a living off of my writing up until a year ago when I realized all my life all I've ever wanted to do was write. When I sit back and think about what I see myself doing in ten years, it's exactly this. It's obsessing over my blogging notebook, writing new ideas down on pieces of napkins at the bar, writing a spur of the moment post like this one. It's finding inspiration in the tiniest things going on in the world around me and no longer feeling ashamed of putting my writing out there.

Don't settle on anything just because you are afraid to take risks. If you tried and failed, you actually succeeded. At the end of the day, the biggest risk you take could turn your entire life around. It did for me.

I'll also leave you with a fun fact: My very first college class at Massasoit was Writing Comprehension.

Farewell but Hello.

Here's the thing about blogging: Regardless of what kind of blog you run, whether it's fashion, food, or personal, you are putting a piece of your innermost self out on the internet. And the internet is a scary fucking place to be. And that is exactly why I stopped blogging since March; because I cared too much what people would think of my opinions. Whether I was blogging about the insane events that have been happening in our world, or about nothing in particular, or something personal, I was afraid of what would be said. I mean, I know deep down inside if someone doesn't like what I have to write they would probably hide me from their newsfeeds and not read my blog, but what would happen if I had that one person who would have something to say, regardless if it wasn't a comment on my blog but a status, or a tweet, or whatever? I got so wrapped up in the idea of failing that I did exactly that -- I failed myself by getting too anxious to post, thus letting my blog sit and collect dust.

Over the past few weeks I have began to come around and talk to some people about my blog. I'm a writing major in college. I'm used to the side glances and the "What are you going to do with that?" question. I'm used to the "You could get this job and this job and this job" that has nothing to do with writing, but is still a full-time job. And I realized that unless I get over my fears of pissing someone off with my own thoughts, I would have to settle for a HR job that pays you to edit some big corporate Douchebags e-mails and get no credit for it. Yaaaaaaa, no thank you. I've said it a few times already, but money isn't worth my happiness.

This summer may have been one of the best summers of my life. And I feel like I say that every year, but when I sit and reflect on the past month in itself, I realize that patience and a positive attitude will truly help piece your life together. These past couple years were hard for me, and it goes without saying a lot of that had to do with the people I was surrounded with (Whether I wanted to be surrounded by those people is a mute point, but it has to be said). I had extremely low self-esteem, I felt like all my relationships were crumbling, my anxiety was so bad I was at the point where I was distancing myself from people because I had convinced myself nobody wanted to deal with a giant ball of emotions that was myself. If I didn't even want to be in my own presence, why would my friends be? I let myself get lost in my own emotions, and it was hard for awhile. But while I was in my own world of anxiety and hatred, I had friends who pushed through and never judged me for constantly crying over the same stupid people, who would always answer a text or a phone call almost instantly when I needed them, and who I know will probably be standing next to me on my someday wedding day -- people who not even two months ago I thought I would be this close to.

Because of them,  I woke up one day and decided that even though I do have some issues with my brain, I can't those issues control my entire life. Why not be able to joke about it? It's true what they say, if you can't laugh at yourself you can't laugh at anything. I realized that it's OK to get upset, and it's OK to need time to yourself after a long day of socializing, and it's OK to admit that although it may not be completely normal, it's my reality, and nobody that actually cares about you is going to judge you for needing some time to yourself, or laugh when you get upset over something irrational. Anyone that knows me well knows that the smallest of things can set me off, whether it's tears or a yelling match. And it's not something I ever talked about openly, until now, because my mental health had a lot to do with why I stopped blogging.

It's scary to think about how I let people control my self worth the way I did. I stopped blogging because I knew that people would think me posting about anything, really, was a way for me to seek attention. Because honestly, that's what we writers are -- attention seekers. We are begging you to listen to our voices, to read our words, to pay attention to our opinions. But for whatever reason I decided my voice wasn't important enough; I was convinced my dream of getting paid to write my blog or travel the world with my Best Seller was a pipe dream, and I was giving up. Don't let anyone, ever, let you give up on your dreams. Because if they are destroying your self-image, they are not a good person to be in your life.

 Regardless if you have any control over negative people in your life, it is possible to surround yourself with better, supportive people. People who WILL be there for your crazy dreams, who will tell you that everything works itself out, who will see the good side of you when other people are trying so hard to tear you down. There will always be those people in your life, but if you surround yourself with great friends, you will start to see yourself in a whole new light. You will remember the person you were before -- you will climb out of the hole that is your destroyed self-confidence.

This summer was eye opening for me. I realized that life is fucking hard, and it will test your limits, but if you get up and dust the dirt off, you will rise back to your old self. Instead, your new self will be an even better, more determined, happier version of your old self. There are still days where I'm waiting for the ball to drop and have everything go to shit once again, but mostly I know that very slowly, everything is falling into place. Just like when everything was shitty and hard, if you're patient and positive, your life will fall into place. And it always happens when you aren't even looking.

Farwell, 2015. But Hello to a new happy, peaceful life.

And here's a few snaps from 2015 that I think made me realize how wonderful life is :)