I have a few friends who are going through a hard time right now with their love life and it's extremely hard to tell someone in the middle of what seems to be the worst pain of their life that it does get better. Coming from someone who has loved fiercely and lost profoundly more than once, I know that love is amazing but it's also terrifying. Love, when you find the right person, is the most incredible thing you could share with somebody.
So this is for you, my friends, who feel as though love isn't worth it. Here are nine important lessons I have learned over the years that I truly believe you should always keep in mind.
1. The cliche that you must love yourself before loving anybody else is the truest thing in the whole world. You cannot give someone your heart fully if your mind is full of self-doubt.
I used to laugh at this; I was always the girl throwing the pity party and begging for attention. I was convinced the universe was out to get me, and in return it reflected into my relationships. I picked fights because I would get easily angered over nothing, I would need to know constantly where he was or who he was with -- I had no confidence in myself so I was always concerned of him finding someone different. As I've gotten older I have come to accept myself for who I am. I am easily angered, I do have random strikes of anxiety, but it doesn't make me any less of a person. When you can love yourself and appreciate even the tiniest of flaws in yourself, you can accept the flaws in your partner.
2. You cannot, cannot fix someone.
Yes, nobody is perfect. We all have those "quirks" others will not like. However, sometimes people are so insecure in themselves that they must destroy everyone around them. I tried for an extremely long time in both of my previous relationships to fix them; to shine light on their insecurities. Not to lessen their self worth but to show them that in order to give all of their heart to someone else they must be able to overcome their own demons. This goes back to number one: You cannot fix someone, they must fix themselves. If you're struggling, whether it's a mental battle, or a physical battle -- get help. There's nothing wrong with that. And if someone tells you to get help, they aren't belting you; it's because they care.
3. It's OK to leave if you aren't happy. It's especially OK to leave if you aren't safe.
Sometimes people won't see exactly why you're leaving, but it's OK to be selfish and end a relationship if you are no longer happy. Your happiness is just that -- YOURS. There's a catch to this though: Don't go out looking for a replacement while you're still in a relationship. If you are not happy do not lead somebody on... I've been in that position and it hurts more in the long run knowing that your relationship was full of empty words and empty promises for months than if it just... ends. Here's probably the most important thing I'm going to say this entire post: If you are in any sort of abusive relationship, it is OK to leave. You will be safe. You didn't deserve any of that to happen to you. You didn't ask for it. You are not going to be looked down upon for staying. But it is ABSOLUTELY ALRIGHT to get out. Abusers don't need you to help them get better. They need to be able to do it on their own. My very first relationship I still don't talk about very much. I was fourteen, I was convinced I was in love. I thought love meant my boyfriend following me home, or having his friends follow me home. I thought it meant I had to let him know every little thing I was doing. Him picking out my clothes was cute. Picking him to hang out with over every one of my friends was being in love. He only hit me a few times, but it happens... Right? I cannot stress this enough: Your safety will always, always come first. If they threaten to kill themselves -- they probably won't. It's a scare tactic; one that kept in a relationship years longer than I wanted to be. Do not let somebody else's misery become yours; do not let them someone make you feel worthless.
4. Love should be about sharing happiness, sharing moments, and becoming better people together. Love is not about one person being completely dominant while the other withers into nothingness.
One of the biggest things that happens while we are in love is we tend to lose ourselves. We become so consumed in the people we love that sometimes we make sacrifices in our own, separate lives to please our partners -- this is not alright. It's one thing to experience new things and have new interests when we meet someone, that is normal. I would never have known I enjoyed music if it wasn't for an ex, or realized I actually enjoyed being in the wilderness if it wasn't for Ryan. But I still have my own thoughts, my own feelings; there are things Ryan and I disagree on. Before, I decided that being miserable and wanting to live with my boyfriend at fifteen was a great idea; I believed in God; I thought Obama was a bad president... All things my boyfriend's had convinced me to believe in because they wanted a girlfriend who molded their idea of the "perfect girl". They did not accept me for who I was, for my own interests, my own opinions. I was not my own person. I couldn't have my own thoughts; hell, I couldn't even have my own feelings without being chastised for them. Do not lose sight of what you believe in for somebody else. You can learn new things about yourself without having to give up your own hobbies, feelings, or beliefs.
5. Not every relationship needs to be the attempt at Happily Ever After. You need to live in the here and now. Planning out your entire future is going to result in disappointment -- every time.
It doesn't matter if you're 18, 25, 30, 50... You cannot look at someone you are dating and hoping they are the one. Not going to lie, I would love to look into a crystal ball and see who I marry, when I get married, and when; I mean who wouldn't? But here's the thing: You can't focus all of your attention on the future. It will absolutely ruin your relationship. Thinking of the far away future puts an absurd amount of pressure on a relationship; pressure that isn't needed along with the everyday worries of life. Another cliche: Just go with the flow. Don't worry about if the person you're with is your soulmate -- enjoy your time together and the memories you are making. And if you're still together fifty years from now, you have fifty years of memories together.
6. Every relationship has meaning in your life.
This was something that was incredibly hard for me to comprehend. It's especially hard to understand why you were with someone if it was an unhealthy relationship or if you were cheated on. Here's the thing: Everything does happen for a reason. You learn from absolutely everything in life, even when those life lessons seem unfair at the time. When you're in an unhealthy relationship, you look back on everything that you had dealt with and gone through and realize your own self worth. You begin to realize what you deserve and want in a partner. Honestly I don't think I would be as strong willed and determined to do amazing things in life if I hadn't been in the relationship I was in. Being constantly told you aren't good enough or not smart enough to achieve your dreams by someone you are in love with is a hard pill to swallow, but years later I realize those words no longer hold me back but push me forward to achieve what is considered impossible.
7. Moving on is acceptable, especially because it is totally possible to be in love more than once.
I will fully admit as much as my last relationship was a little wanky, I was very in love with my ex. We were together during the "big" moments of your teenage years: proms, graduations, starting college. We were together during the years where you really begin to learn who you are as a person and what you want to make of your future... Which is why we didn't end up being together forever. My love for him is absolutely nothing in comparison to the love I have for Ryan now -- it almost makes me laugh that I even say I was "in love" before. But that's the thing: There are different types of love, and different ways to love. He was the high school love, where I'm glad I got to share my memories of graduation and high school summers with him, even if I wasn't always my happiest. Ryan is someone I see myself moving in with and spending (hopefully) the rest of my life with. I was young and still learning when I was with my ex; now I know what I want to do with my life and who I want by my side through all of my trials and tribulations. You may have thought that someone was your forever and it didn't work out. But it's OK to move on and be happy with somebody else. It's perfectly normal to always hope for the best for someone you shared time with, but making yourself happy should be your top priority.
8. Love should be easy, and love should be motivating.
When you find your person, working at your relationship will be extremely easy. Obviously there will be fighting matches, nights one of you sleeps on the couch, days where you want nothing to do with each other... But at the end of the day you fall back into each other like the fighting was nonexistent. Relationship always need work but you will know when you find the one. You won't think of your ex anymore, you won't wish your past was your present, you find yourself thinking of your significant other in the busiest of moments... Love shouldn't be a battle, it shouldn't be one sided, and it absolutely should make you see the beautiful things in absolutely everything. Love should motivate you to make other people around you -- when you have found true, indescribable love you become one of those people who start to get annoying when they talk about their relationship (I can be one of these people sometimes, sorry!). You know, the people who find the good in the crappy situations, who try to play matchmaker with their single friends, who start to see the warning signs in their friends current relationships. When you find the right person you start to become your true self.
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“Love is not a because, it's a no matter what.”
Jodi Picoult, Second Glance
