Unapologetic.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

I said I was going to write a review on Tyler Oakley's book almost two weeks ago... And then life got in the way. And I got kinda sidetracked. And then I realized I'm horrible at writing reviews. I mean, I should've known a review wouldn't come out too good when it takes me three or four edits to write a decent research paper. I'm a great English major. 

I mean, I guess this is kind of a review since there's quotes and advice from Tyler's book. But I'm not gonna really get into it because I want you to buy his book. It's raunchy, it talks about buttholes*, and he is unapologetically himself through the entire book.

* My computer keeps trying to autocorrect "butthole" to "

buttonholes" and I want you guys to laugh at that like I am, 

so there's an insight to my blogging experience currently.

“I was taught that being myself was not only okay, but encouraged - and by being unapologetically yourself, you thrive and inspire others to thrive.” 

This is the quote that made me absolutely fall in love with Tyler (Well, Ok, even more than I already am). I had to sit there and put the book down for a second and just kinda think about my career choice. It was at that moment I realized I wasn't blogging the way I knew how to -- I was trying to please a tiny percentage of my blog audience by censoring myself, or not posting about topics I knew they wouldn't agree on or want to read. Honestly there's maybe three people tops who don't like the way I blog because of my swearing, or wanting to talk about "sensitive" topics... So why the fuck am I trying not to write in my own voice? Who CARES about those three people? I honestly think my blog has been suffering because I've been trying to create a "new" version of myself and my writing... And honestly, it doesn't work. You can't please everyone! So if people aren't going to like you, or what you have to say/write, let them dislike the real you. I may swear a lot, or talk about pooping or sex or pervy things, but that's who I am. And I am not apologizing for it anymore.

“Sometimes doing what's right for your conscience is not always the most popular decision, but I can guarantee that in retrospect you won't regret the choice you made.” 

I don't have much to say about this quote except... It's so true. It kind of goes hand and hand with being myself, especially with this blog. I dropped out of school for two years to discover myself and to really figure out what I wanted to do with my life, and I don't think that's something people understand unless they've been through it themselves also. I know I talk about it all the time but taking time for yourself and being selfish is never a bad thing. You cannot be happy or successful with anything else in life, whether it be a career or a relationship, unless you are content and confident with yourself.

“No person, no matter how important society deems their relationship to you, has the right to denounce you for who you are.” 

One thing I never really talked until recently is the fact that my Mom and I don't have a relationship. Now that I no longer live with her and I've gotten older we can hold a conversation without yelling at each other or having things thrown across the house but I truly don't believe we will ever have that "Mother/daughter/best friend" bond that most girls get with their Moms. I'm not going to bash my mother on my blog because I honestly have no need to, but unless you have a strained relationship with a parent it's just something extremely hard to understand. This quote was the one and only time the whole book I cried out of sadness, because it's about Tyler's relationship with his Dad. Our circumstances are far more different, but it was nice to read of someone who I look up to and admire and respect that had put my feelings of guilt into words. Nobody has to tell you to have a relationship with your parent -- just because they gave birth to you doesn't mean they are your parent. It takes more than giving life to be a parent. This is something I've always wanted to talk about on the blog but have never really had the guts to do but I think knowing Tyler put his relationship with his Dad out in the open in his book I will write about it, and soon. It's such an important topic for people to understand or realize that they aren't alone. I never asked to have such a strained relationship with my mother, but it happened, and I live everyday knowing that we aren't that close. And trust me, it fucking sucks. No kid who has a shitty relationship with their parent has ever asked for it. We also don't want to hear "But they're your only parent"... Just. No. But I will get into that another time.

*******

Tyler's book is incredible. It takes you on an adventure of his life from the beginning throughout his amazing Youtube career. Putting yourself out on the internet is absolutely terrifying. When you're a YouTuber you can edit out the bits and pieces you don't want your viewers to see, but writing a book you are exposing yourself completely. Something about writing makes me braver; it gives me a voice I would never have the nerve to use out loud, and I saw that through each page of Binge. If you need a good laugh and a good cry all in one day, I truly recommend you stopping by any store that sells books and pick up a copy.

I'll leave you guys with this one last quote to prove that Binge isn't all serious business... Something that will hopefully make you laugh out and loud. We all need some laughter in our lives, right?

“Over my lifetime, I've had an interesting relationship with poop...the rectum is a grand thing. My favorite thing about the human body is that we're all basically doughnuts.” 

*******

Find Tyler on social media, I promise you won't regret it :)

Youtube

Twitter

Buy his book

#WhyIWrite

Today is National Writing Day, something I had no idea existed. I mean there are hundreds of Nation Something Days -- We celebrate our dogs, our siblings, our caffeinated beverages... But I never knew there was a specific day to celebrate writing. Pretty rad, I admit.

I first stumbled across the hashtag #WhyIWrite on Twitter and was intrigued. Scrolling through the tweets I instantly I felt this overwhelming emotion and couldn't exactly put my finger on it until I realized I was inspired and proud; proud to be a writer, proud of my dreams, and absolutely unashamed of my aspirations.

I haven't written on the blog in awhile because I have been feeling insecure about a lot of things. Not even just my writing, but my personal life. You know those black clouds that follow you some days where you look in the mirror and ask "Why am I ugly? What am I doing in life? Why am I not where some of my friends are in their careers"... Well I'm lucky enough to get caught in those storms for days on end. When I start comparing myself to others I can absolutely tear myself apart, whether it's about my appearance, my job or where I'm at in life. I may preach to be yourself and to remember life isn't a road race but sometimes it's really freaking hard to take your own advice. Discovering today was National Writing Day gave me that fire to get back into the swing of things and reminded me that this is my life and I can do whatever I want with it. I can be a writer, not everyone has to agree with my choices. Because it's my life. Not everyone is going to like what I have to say but that means they are still reading. But out of the small percent of people out there who may think I'm crazy there are hundreds more who support me and want me to succeed.


It's hard to take your own advice, but never lose sight of your dreams or convince yourself they're too far out of reach. If you aren't afraid of your dreams, you aren't trying hard enough to reach them. I say it all the time but never settle in your life about anything, especially when it comes to your career. Do what you love and you will never work a day in your life.

Here's the thing about writing: It's hard. Writing is draining. Writing can make you feel like you climbed the tallest mountain but then push you off the ledge and watch you fall down the summit while laughing at you. Writing can free your brain but at the same time your imagination absolutely consumes your conscious.

At the same time, writing is beautiful. At the end of a particularly stressful writing day I can look back at all the scribbles, cross-outs and crumbled pieces of paper and realize that through all the anxiety and hatred towards my own words I accomplished something. I finished that chapter. I finished that blog post. I got there and I can stare at my work and see what I have created. It's an incredible feeling. Each view on my blog I smile, knowing that my words are being ready by someone other than the insides of my journal. Hoping that someone out there is looking at my words the way I have looked at many other writers words since I was a kid.

Writing can seriously change the outlook on anything; it has for me many times. I've always been a reader and I will admit that I would much rather stick my head in a book than talk to most people. There are books I've read so many times the pages fell out of the binding and I had to buy a new copy. I have books that are highlighted and dog-eared while other books I barely read myself because I want to cherish them and keep them clean. Words are an amazing thing. They make us think, they make us reconsider. Words can change us.

National Writing Day means a lot to me; it's a day I am going to chose to celebrate everyday. I realize now that I don't want to be a writer, I am a writer. I can take every thought, emotion or circumstance and put it all into words and create something. I may be able to make someone sit and think "YES! She gets how I am feeling!". I am really starting to see how lucky I am to have found something I am passionate about when I was nine years old and continue to love and appreciate to this day.

To end this blog post I would just like to dedicate National Writing Day to the first author who I considered to be an inspiration to me; someone I still look to in her writing when I'm feeling insecure or stuck, a woman who goes to great lengths to research for her stories. A woman who made me look at life in many different ways through each of her stories.

If by some miracle you come across this post and made it this far, I dedicate this National Writing Day to you, Jodi Picoult. Thank you for being my motivation and my inspiration every single day as I begin my journey of becoming an author. You are incredible.

On Love.

I know I'm only twenty-three but throughout these short years I've learned some valuable life lessons; many of them stemming from the relationships I've been in... I met my first boyfriend my freshmen year of high school; but we don't talk about him or anything about that relationship. I dated my childhood best friend throughout the tail end of high school. And then I lucked out at meeting Ryan when I was eighteen in my first year of college. My past boyfriends, while trying to be being polite, have been quite the cast of characters. Every relationship is different and every person you give a piece of your heart to is going to treat you differently, whether that is a good thing or not. Even with friendships -- you will have the friend who expects everything of you while also having the friend you only talk to every six months, but both of them still hold the same amount of importance in your life.

I have a few friends who are going through a hard time right now with their love life and it's extremely hard to tell someone in the middle of what seems to be the worst pain of their life that it does get better. Coming from someone who has loved fiercely and lost profoundly more than once, I know that love is amazing but it's also terrifying. Love, when you find the right person, is the most incredible thing you could share with somebody.

So this is for you, my friends, who feel as though love isn't worth it. Here are nine important lessons I have learned over the years that I truly believe you should always keep in mind.

1. The cliche that you must love yourself before loving anybody else is the truest thing in the whole world. You cannot give someone your heart fully if your mind is full of self-doubt. 
I used to laugh at this; I was always the girl throwing the pity party and begging for attention. I was convinced the universe was out to get me, and in return it reflected into my relationships. I picked fights because I would get easily angered over nothing, I would need to know constantly where he was or who he was with -- I had no confidence in myself so I was always concerned of him finding someone different. As I've gotten older I have come to accept myself for who I am. I am easily angered, I do have random strikes of anxiety, but it doesn't make me any less of a person. When you can love yourself and appreciate even the tiniest of flaws in yourself, you can accept the flaws in your partner.

2. You cannot, cannot fix someone.
Yes, nobody is perfect. We all have those "quirks" others will not like. However, sometimes people are so insecure in themselves that they must destroy everyone around them. I tried for an extremely long time in both of my previous relationships to fix them; to shine light on their insecurities. Not to lessen their self worth but to show them that in order to give all of their heart to someone else they must be able to overcome their own demons. This goes back to number one: You cannot fix someone, they must fix themselves. If you're struggling, whether it's a mental battle, or a physical battle -- get help. There's nothing wrong with that. And if someone tells you to get help, they aren't belting you; it's because they care.

3. It's OK to leave if you aren't happy. It's especially OK to leave if you aren't safe.
Sometimes people won't see exactly why you're leaving, but it's OK to be selfish and end a relationship if you are no longer happy. Your happiness is just that -- YOURS. There's a catch to this though: Don't go out looking for a replacement while you're still in a relationship. If you are not happy do not lead somebody on... I've been in that position and it hurts more in the long run knowing that your relationship was full of empty words and empty promises for months than if it just... ends. Here's probably the most important thing I'm going to say this entire post: If you are in any sort of abusive relationship, it is OK to leave. You will be safe. You didn't deserve any of that to happen to you. You didn't ask for it. You are not going to be looked down upon for staying. But it is ABSOLUTELY ALRIGHT to get out. Abusers don't need you to help them get better. They need to be able to do it on their own. My very first relationship I still don't talk about very much. I was fourteen, I was convinced I was in love. I thought love meant my boyfriend following me home, or having his friends follow me home. I thought it meant I had to let him know every little thing I was doing. Him picking out my clothes was cute. Picking him to hang out with over every one of my friends was being in love. He only hit me a few times, but it happens... Right? I cannot stress this enough: Your safety will always, always come first. If they threaten to kill themselves -- they probably won't. It's a scare tactic; one that kept in a relationship years longer than I wanted to be. Do not let somebody else's misery become yours; do not let them someone make you feel worthless.

4. Love should be about sharing happiness, sharing moments, and becoming better people together. Love is not about one person being completely dominant while the other withers into nothingness.
One of the biggest things that happens while we are in love is we tend to lose ourselves. We become so consumed in the people we love that sometimes we make sacrifices in our own, separate lives to please our partners -- this is not alright. It's one thing to experience new things and have new interests when we meet someone, that is normal. I would never have known I enjoyed music if it wasn't for an ex, or realized I actually enjoyed being in the wilderness if it wasn't for Ryan. But I still have my own thoughts, my own feelings; there are things Ryan and I disagree on. Before, I decided that being miserable and wanting to live with my boyfriend at fifteen was a great idea; I believed in God; I thought Obama was a bad president... All things my boyfriend's had convinced me to believe in because they wanted a girlfriend who molded their idea of the "perfect girl". They did not accept me for who I was, for my own interests, my own opinions. I was not my own person. I couldn't have my own thoughts; hell, I couldn't even have my own feelings without being chastised for them. Do not lose sight of what you believe in for somebody else. You can learn new things about yourself without having to give up your own hobbies, feelings, or beliefs.

5. Not every relationship needs to be the attempt at Happily Ever After. You need to live in the here and now. Planning out your entire future is going to result in disappointment -- every time.
It doesn't matter if you're 18, 25, 30, 50... You cannot look at someone you are dating and hoping they are the one. Not going to lie, I would love to look into a crystal ball and see who I marry, when I get married, and when; I mean who wouldn't? But here's the thing: You can't focus all of your attention on the future. It will absolutely ruin your relationship. Thinking of the far away future puts an absurd amount of pressure on a relationship; pressure that isn't needed along with the everyday worries of life. Another cliche: Just go with the flow. Don't worry about if the person you're with is your soulmate -- enjoy your time together and the memories you are making. And if you're still together fifty years from now, you have fifty years of memories together.

6. Every relationship has meaning in your life.
This was something that was incredibly hard for me to comprehend. It's especially hard to understand why you were with someone if it was an unhealthy relationship or if you were cheated on. Here's the thing: Everything does happen for a reason. You learn from absolutely everything in life, even when those life lessons seem unfair at the time. When you're in an unhealthy relationship, you look back on everything that you had dealt with and gone through and realize your own self worth. You begin to realize what you deserve and want in a partner. Honestly I don't think I would be as strong willed and determined to do amazing things in life if I hadn't been in the relationship I was in. Being constantly told you aren't good enough or not smart enough to achieve your dreams by someone you are in love with is a hard pill to swallow, but years later I realize those words no longer hold me back but push me forward to achieve what is considered impossible.

7. Moving on is acceptable, especially because it is totally possible to be in love more than once.
I will fully admit as much as my last relationship was a little wanky, I was very in love with my ex. We were together during the "big" moments of your teenage years: proms, graduations, starting college. We were together during the years where you really begin to learn who you are as a person and what you want to make of your future... Which is why we didn't end up being together forever. My love for him is absolutely nothing in comparison to the love I have for Ryan now -- it almost makes me laugh that I even say I was "in love" before. But that's the thing: There are different types of love, and different ways to love. He was the high school love, where I'm glad I got to share my memories of graduation and high school summers with him, even if I wasn't always my happiest. Ryan is someone I see myself moving in with and spending (hopefully) the rest of my life with. I was young and still learning when I was with my ex; now I know what I want to do with my life and who I want by my side through all of my trials and tribulations. You may have thought that someone was your forever and it didn't work out. But it's OK to move on and be happy with somebody else. It's perfectly normal to always hope for the best for someone you shared time with, but making yourself happy should be your top priority.

8. Love should be easy, and love should be motivating.
When you find your person, working at your relationship will be extremely easy. Obviously there will be fighting matches, nights one of you sleeps on the couch, days where you want nothing to do with each other... But at the end of the day you fall back into each other like the fighting was nonexistent. Relationship always need work but you will know when you find the one. You won't think of your ex anymore, you won't wish your past was your present, you find yourself thinking of your significant other in the busiest of moments... Love shouldn't be a battle, it shouldn't be one sided, and it absolutely should make you see the beautiful things in absolutely everything. Love should motivate you to make other people around you -- when you have found true, indescribable love you become one of those people who start to get annoying when they talk about their relationship (I can be one of these people sometimes, sorry!). You know, the people who find the good in the crappy situations, who try to play matchmaker with their single friends, who start to see the warning signs in their friends current relationships. When you find the right person you start to become your true self.

----

“Love is not a because, it's a no matter what.” 

Jodi Picoult, Second Glance

Never Settle.

I had a professor last semester who told me to never settle; advice given after spilling my innermost fear of the fact that I will more than likely never have the dream job I desire to her. She told me she never saw herself as a college professor because of her early years as an undergrad where she didn't know who she was or what she wanted out of life. A feeling every person in their 20's (at least) feels. I've had multiple customers at my job who are many years into their careers tell me to do what I love because I will never regret waking up in the morning thinking of all the days of my job I have ahead of me.

I've talked about this before but I'll say it again: Knowing what you want out of life, regardless how big or small, is a liberating feeling. There is nothing more terrifying than not knowing what you want out of your life; it feels like an identity crisis. I was in school for teaching, then almost took a swing at nursing (Where my lack of math skills probably would've killed someone honestly), to thinking of early education, to finally letting go of the idea of making tons of money and settling finalizing on a writing major. 

Settling.

That's what I used to say. But why should we "settle" on a major? If it was something I could see myself doing for the rest of my life I should be saying I'm excited, passionate and proud of what I decided to spend thousands of dollars on for a degree that will map out my future career path. Settling was how I felt at first -- I had always been a gifted writer even if I didn't feel that way but many of my teachers all throughout my schooling had told me so, as time went on I realized I was no longer settling on a career but was truly excited and proud to talk about what I wanted to do with my life.

Settling.

It can be our careers. We go for what brings in the money as we chose to ignore our true passions. We push aside happiness for the large checks. We drag our feet to work everyday watching the clock tick closer to punching out and landing on our couches. It can be love. We stay with people that we convince ourselves we love because it's comfortable. Even if we know the relationship isn't going to last. Again, we push aside happiness for what we understand because the unknown is terrifying. It can be our health. We know we need to fix our mentality, or even our physicality, but don't. We just settle towards the idea "it is what it is" because the effort doesn't seem worth it.

Trust me. It is never worth it to settle for anything less than what our innermost conscious tells us. Don't ignore the tugging at your heart telling you to go after what you absolute desire. 

I was afraid from the minute I graduated high school and went to my first college class to major in writing. I had people tell me "You don't need a degree to tell you that you're an excellent writer." I never once thought I could make a living off of my writing up until a year ago when I realized all my life all I've ever wanted to do was write. When I sit back and think about what I see myself doing in ten years, it's exactly this. It's obsessing over my blogging notebook, writing new ideas down on pieces of napkins at the bar, writing a spur of the moment post like this one. It's finding inspiration in the tiniest things going on in the world around me and no longer feeling ashamed of putting my writing out there.

Don't settle on anything just because you are afraid to take risks. If you tried and failed, you actually succeeded. At the end of the day, the biggest risk you take could turn your entire life around. It did for me.

I'll also leave you with a fun fact: My very first college class at Massasoit was Writing Comprehension.

Dear People.

Now that the dust has settled on the internet about Nicole Arbor, I'm about to stir the pot and bring her up again. I didn't want to even give her the attention by posting about her on my blog but while in the shower this morning I began to get extremely upset about her video, and the general response to it. I honestly feel as though she posted that video to get her fifteen minutes of fame, and holy shit was she successful.

Incase you live under a rock, or aren't as internet crazy as most people me.. Here is her video in which blew up the internet last week:

Are you pissed yet?

No?

Rewatch it.

Still not pissed?

Do not read further.

When I first started seeing the Tweets and comments from other Youtubers about loving yourself and having a bad sense of humor not meaning success I had no idea what was going on. And then Tyler Oakley just straight tagged Nicole on Twitter about this video and I decided to see what the uproar was. To be honest I started the video laughing because I admit, I have the sense of humor of a ten year old boy. But the second her video started with "I already made a bunch of people mad" (Or something, because I refuse to watch her video a third time) I knew I got myself int some deep shit, and I knew I was going to be pissed. What I felt, however, after I stupidly gave her another view on her video was not what I expected.

Pissed? Not even a little.
Disgusted. Hurt. Horrified. 

You don't need to be what society considers "fat" to talk about your weight. If you talked to a doctor they would tell you I'm not "fat", nor even close to "obese". Here's my question though:

Why the FUCK is "fat" a negative word? 
It's an adjective. 
It's not a curse word. 
It shouldn't be an insult. 
It shouldn't be a connotation to ugly. 
Fat does not mean you are a lesser human being.

I sat staring at my laptop after watching her video and my mouth was very literally hanging open. I wanted to comment on the video asking what she would think of me at the gym. Yes, I'm not big, but I'm extremely out of shape. Like, can't even make it through a two minute song at the bar dancing without sweating and losing my breathe out of shape. Imagine me at the gym trying to WALK on the treadmill, never mind running? But oh wait, you can't comment on Nicole's video. She disabled the comments. Convenient.

Nicole, here is a little PSA for you: You are a human being, too. (Well, maybe not but let's just go with what seems to be true here). As a public figure, you have been on the receiving-end of hate comments. People on the internet can be ruthless when they are behind a keyboard and a fake avi. Yet you become one of those ruthless people but your face right out there and tried to call it satire. You know that we are all just trying to get by every minute of the day without having someone make us feel like shit, or without seeing something on the web that makes us feel like shit. We are living in the social media world where filters and photoshop are the new beauty norm. There is nothing wrong with any of that. You don't see me sitting here talking about girls who wear loads of makeup are a bunch of phonies. Yet you thought it would be OK to make a video shaming fat people. I'm not considered "fat" by doctors, yet I am probably THE most out of shape human you could meet. Wanna hear a fun fact? Half the reason I quit my restaurant job is because one of my managers bullied me because I had no upper-body strength to carry a full tray of food. Yup. But would Nicole ever say something about that in her video? No. Because I'm not considered fat. And that's a problem.

We all struggle. It doesn't matter our shape or size or color of our skin, we struggle. Because we are human. We all have something we are ashamed of about our bodies. Society has brainwashed us into believing skinny is beautiful and fat is ugly. Being skinny doesn't mean your the next Ninja Warrior. Being fat doesn't mean you're going to have a heart attack in the middle of work. We are all fucking beautiful. We are all allowed to wear whatever god damn outfit we want. It doesn't matter if we are skinny shits and want to wear a tiny, string bikini, but the minute a bigger person wants to wear that same string bikini she becomes the center of people's conversations, stares, and photographs.

WHY? WHY. WHY. WHY.
You are putting another human being on display like she is in a zoo. Not a museum to be admired, but a zoo where she is pitied like an animal.

It's 2015, people. I cannot comprehend the fact that some humans still have not grasped the fact that we are all on this Earth together and we are all just trying to make it by and make a living and find our own happiness. We are making it difficult for people to find peace with their bodies because we have let society brainwash our minds. It shouldn't matter if we are fat or skinny or toned or flabby. We should be there to support one another. To want to see each other achieve our goals. Life shouldn't be about competition, but about harmony among one another. Life will be a hell of a lot more peaceful if we just got over ourselves and realized that the materialistic things in life shouldn't matter even a little bit. It's about our souls, our hearts, and what we want to offer to our neighbors.

Dear Nicole Arbour: You may have gotten your fifteen minutes of fame and your video may have reached five million views, but you also showed the world how ignorance leads you absolutely nowhere. The amount of response videos from YouTubers that I admire and watch made me feel much better about my reaction to your video. I hope you learn from your mistakes and realize that you have extreme potential to be a comedian, but tearing down other humans is not the way to do it.

Be nice to people.

Edit:
I forgot to put Grace's video in this, because she was a HUGE reason why I even posted this in the first place. She words the way in which I felt after I watched the video the first time PERFECTLY. Grace is also like me and doesn't talk much about extremely personal matters and I just feel as though Grace did an amazing thing for posting this video. So please, please also watch this.

Farewell but Hello.

Here's the thing about blogging: Regardless of what kind of blog you run, whether it's fashion, food, or personal, you are putting a piece of your innermost self out on the internet. And the internet is a scary fucking place to be. And that is exactly why I stopped blogging since March; because I cared too much what people would think of my opinions. Whether I was blogging about the insane events that have been happening in our world, or about nothing in particular, or something personal, I was afraid of what would be said. I mean, I know deep down inside if someone doesn't like what I have to write they would probably hide me from their newsfeeds and not read my blog, but what would happen if I had that one person who would have something to say, regardless if it wasn't a comment on my blog but a status, or a tweet, or whatever? I got so wrapped up in the idea of failing that I did exactly that -- I failed myself by getting too anxious to post, thus letting my blog sit and collect dust.

Over the past few weeks I have began to come around and talk to some people about my blog. I'm a writing major in college. I'm used to the side glances and the "What are you going to do with that?" question. I'm used to the "You could get this job and this job and this job" that has nothing to do with writing, but is still a full-time job. And I realized that unless I get over my fears of pissing someone off with my own thoughts, I would have to settle for a HR job that pays you to edit some big corporate Douchebags e-mails and get no credit for it. Yaaaaaaa, no thank you. I've said it a few times already, but money isn't worth my happiness.

This summer may have been one of the best summers of my life. And I feel like I say that every year, but when I sit and reflect on the past month in itself, I realize that patience and a positive attitude will truly help piece your life together. These past couple years were hard for me, and it goes without saying a lot of that had to do with the people I was surrounded with (Whether I wanted to be surrounded by those people is a mute point, but it has to be said). I had extremely low self-esteem, I felt like all my relationships were crumbling, my anxiety was so bad I was at the point where I was distancing myself from people because I had convinced myself nobody wanted to deal with a giant ball of emotions that was myself. If I didn't even want to be in my own presence, why would my friends be? I let myself get lost in my own emotions, and it was hard for awhile. But while I was in my own world of anxiety and hatred, I had friends who pushed through and never judged me for constantly crying over the same stupid people, who would always answer a text or a phone call almost instantly when I needed them, and who I know will probably be standing next to me on my someday wedding day -- people who not even two months ago I thought I would be this close to.

Because of them,  I woke up one day and decided that even though I do have some issues with my brain, I can't those issues control my entire life. Why not be able to joke about it? It's true what they say, if you can't laugh at yourself you can't laugh at anything. I realized that it's OK to get upset, and it's OK to need time to yourself after a long day of socializing, and it's OK to admit that although it may not be completely normal, it's my reality, and nobody that actually cares about you is going to judge you for needing some time to yourself, or laugh when you get upset over something irrational. Anyone that knows me well knows that the smallest of things can set me off, whether it's tears or a yelling match. And it's not something I ever talked about openly, until now, because my mental health had a lot to do with why I stopped blogging.

It's scary to think about how I let people control my self worth the way I did. I stopped blogging because I knew that people would think me posting about anything, really, was a way for me to seek attention. Because honestly, that's what we writers are -- attention seekers. We are begging you to listen to our voices, to read our words, to pay attention to our opinions. But for whatever reason I decided my voice wasn't important enough; I was convinced my dream of getting paid to write my blog or travel the world with my Best Seller was a pipe dream, and I was giving up. Don't let anyone, ever, let you give up on your dreams. Because if they are destroying your self-image, they are not a good person to be in your life.

 Regardless if you have any control over negative people in your life, it is possible to surround yourself with better, supportive people. People who WILL be there for your crazy dreams, who will tell you that everything works itself out, who will see the good side of you when other people are trying so hard to tear you down. There will always be those people in your life, but if you surround yourself with great friends, you will start to see yourself in a whole new light. You will remember the person you were before -- you will climb out of the hole that is your destroyed self-confidence.

This summer was eye opening for me. I realized that life is fucking hard, and it will test your limits, but if you get up and dust the dirt off, you will rise back to your old self. Instead, your new self will be an even better, more determined, happier version of your old self. There are still days where I'm waiting for the ball to drop and have everything go to shit once again, but mostly I know that very slowly, everything is falling into place. Just like when everything was shitty and hard, if you're patient and positive, your life will fall into place. And it always happens when you aren't even looking.

Farwell, 2015. But Hello to a new happy, peaceful life.

And here's a few snaps from 2015 that I think made me realize how wonderful life is :)

Trying Something New // What's In My Bag?

Happy One Month Since I Last Posted! YIKES.

I'm baaaaaccccck after an accidentally mini-hiatus. Between school, Marylou's and a new job I have become extremely lazy when it comes to making time for this blog. I have decided to (literally) pencil in some more ME time, which hopefully means reading a book that isn't a required text and, you guessed it, writing some stuff for the blog! Ready, sit down for this one... I have a whopping three other posts outlined and written already, and one of which I'll even be posting tomorrow. I KNOW, back-to-back posts. I should probably apologize to those of you who don't really care about this blog but I have recently discovered the "Unfollow" feature on Facebook, so if you don't like what I post you can just unfollow me and I will disappear from your Newsfeeds. You're welcome.

Continuing on. As I've mentioned before I spend a large amount of my downtime watching people online talk into cameras or iPhones on Youtube. Today I happened to stumble upon one of my favorites, Zoe's updated "What's In My Bag" video (I'll post a link to the video at the end!!!) which turned into me making my own post about it, minus the whole talking into a camera thing. Instead I opted for laying out my new, HUGE bag I recently purchased from Target and reviewing what I carried around with me on the daily. Plus it was a great opportunity for me to organize and clean out any recipes, food or extra stuff I had laying in the bottom. So without further rambling, here's my What's In My Bag...

(Small disclaimer: I used my compact Sony camera to take these photos and my room isn't really the brightest so I'm apologizing for the quality of some of these. I left my nicer camera + flash at Ryan's house. Good place for it...)

This is my Merona Tote Handbag From Target. I have a smaller version of this bag in red but I was looking for a new black bag since I realized I own a ton of red shirts. I'm weird and I don't like when things match like my shirts and pocketbook so I searched for another Merona bag on Target's website and fell in love with this! I'm really cheap when it comes to bags and clothes and I've never owned a designer handbag since Target has never let me down with bags! I didn't realize how BIG this was, but since I'm back in school it's super convenient for my night class because I don't need to bring a frumpy backpack to only one class. It has a removal laptop center, two inside pockets, three smaller pockets for your phone, chargers, etc, and a front pocket (pictured) that fits my iPhone 6!

In the removal laptop center I keep all my school and work supplies which includes my iPad mini and Bluetooth keyboard (Both thanks to Ryan!), my planner and pencils, pens & highlighters that I keep in an old Ipsy bag, a notebook I use for blog ideas, reminders, and recently takeout orders at the restaurant I work at, and finally the book A Passage To India which I am currently reading for my Modern British Fiction class! (Also yes, I have an issue with pens and highlighters. I own no less than 100 different pens in a variety of unnecessary colors...)

The front "section" of my bag holds my wallet and my coffee koozie! I seriously need a new wallet because this one is a few years old and it blends in with my new bag... I constantly lose my wallet, or leave it places, or recently just think I did. I also got the wallet at Target (shocker) but if anyone knows of other places to get bigger wallets for a steal pleaseeee let me know, because I need a neon wallet that I won't forget or misplace. My Fenway koozie is honestly my favorite thing in my entire bag since, if you are friends with me on any social media, you know I'm obsesssssed with the Red Sox! I also drink way too much coffee and need to keep that ice from diluting my caffeine, and koozies are the perfect solution :)

The back section of my bag holds every unnecessary item that I could probably do without in a bag but bring with me anyways. On the top I have my Burt's Bees chapstick. I was an advid mint EOS person but I kept losing or somehow breaking the egg so I decided to give Burt's Bees a try and oh boy do I loveeeee this chapstick. I also carry what I had deemed my "Traveling Medicine Cabinet" -- that little Advil bottle holds a handful of different medicines, from Midol to Extra Strength Tylenol to allergy medicine. It's probably not the greatest idea to have all that stuff in one container but it's compact and less extra crap in my bag, so *shoulder shrugs* In the middle I have three (er...) different eyeliners I apparently thought I needed today, along with a travel eyelash curler and a cheap mascarra that my Dad got in his work's Christmas Gift Haul (Thanks, Gillette!) I also always carry a contact case full of fresh solution because I have wonderfully sensitive eyeballs that like to get red and itchy whenever they please.  I also have the essentials of a brush and deodorant since I will admit I can smell pretty nasty, and my hair is so long it gets tangled on anything and anyone. I think my most useless items I carry around are my makeup wipes and nail filer. I have yet to ever use either of these items while out and about, but for whatever reason I never take them out of my bag...

Also hiding in the back of my bag are my glasses and one of these two pairs of sunnies! I got the top orange pair at Claire's for $4 (!!!) Now I know at 22 I probably shouldn't be shopping at Claire's anymore but in my defense I brought my sister to the mall last summer and she was HORRIFIED that I thought the glasses were cute. So I bought them. The bottom pair I bought on a whim at American Eagle one day because I thought I lost the orange pair and I absolutely hate not wearing sunglasses when I drive. They'e not my favorite but they're comfy and simple, so I keep them on backup. In the middle are my eyeglasses which  I need to keep with me incase I need to take my contacts out. I have worse eyesight than an 80 year old, I swear. I got these frames online at Warby Parker for $95, which incase you don't have perscription specs -- is super cheap! I also love Warby Parker's campaign that when you buy a pair of glasses they send a pair of prescription glasses to a child in need. Instantly sold. Check out their website if you're in need of any type of glasses -- prescription or not!

Inside one the smaller pockets I carry these randoms! I always have snacks with me lately because I feel like I'm constantly running from school to home to work and when I get hungry I turn into one of those people from the Snickers commercials... I also have a lighter from my friend Dom's shop... Which I discovered shoots a ten foot flame out of it. I also have the "girly" essentials of a mirror and clips. Random, random, random.

The final pocket of my bag holds sadly the most important items I have with me on the daily: Tissues, a phone charger, a charging cube and my phone. I carry the charging cube with me in case my phone is on some serious low battery; you just plug in the USB side of your phone charger to it and then connect your phone and viola! Charging phone without an outlet. This is always on me because again, I lose everything, and I can never find my car charger for my phone... And the tissues are, to me, just one of those things you always need on you, especially this winter!

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I'm not quite sure if anyone made it to the end of this since it was waaaay longer than I originally planned but if you're like me and are super nosy then thank you for reading! 

Like I said earlier, one of my favorite Youtubers posted her own updated "What's In My Bag" that gave me the inspiration to write this post! So if you're looking for a new bag to purchase, or ways to organize all your stuff (like me) here a few of my favorite/newer "What's In My Bag" videos from some lovely ladies of Youtube:

Zoella What's In My Bag 2015

Bethany Mota What's In My Bag

Casey Holme's What's In My Bag

Tanya Burr What's In My Bag

Thank you for reading this monstrous post, and I hope this was an enjoyable read :)

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I mentioned earlier that tomorrow I am posting another blog, one I have been working on for a year that I was never going to publish. I decided to honor a friend of mine, Jack Scanlan, whose death anniversary was yesterday, by publicly posting a memoir I had written for him. I would absolutely love for anyone to read it, and to honor Jack in every possible way. So be on the lookout tomorrow xoxo

When Someone Gives You Advice, Take It.

Hello? Blog? Are you there?
The last time I posted something on my blog was almost two months ago. I am incredible at keeping up with New Years Resolutions, I know.

To be honest I had no idea when I was going to post next. My lack of posting got to the point where it was almost time to add this blog to the many other profiles I had put effort into that ended up in the internet graveyard that is forgotten blogs. However, a conversation with one of my professors Monday got me rethinking about abandoning this blog for good.

I began to think about this blog when my professor, Dr. Crowley, had given us a writing assessment over the weekend for homework. Write what you got out of a selected reading as practice for our first exam for ten minutes. Easy, quick, won't be too hard. Riiiiight. I read the paragraph, set a timer on my phone, and then stared at my notebook. And stared. Stared some more. And wrote, at most, four sentences. When he asked us to share what we had written I burst out laughing in class and begged him not to call on me. I honestly thought that he was going to be angry, make me read my horrible response and then use it as an example of what NOT to do. Instead he told me he admired my honesty, then followed by asking the class this question:

"Was it writers block, or did you not understand the reading?"

I was upset and frustrated that something such as writing out my understanding towards a reading had become so difficult, especially because I was always decent at explicating poetry in high school, and had mostly gotten As before when I was in school. Now I had written literal crap and was ashamed of my writing. This had never happened to me before. I told him I believed it was most likely because I was rusty from the two years I was not in school and that I had some serious writer's block.

And what was Dr. Crowley's response?
He laughed. And told me writer's block is not real.

I faltered, not going to lie. I almost rolled my eyes and disagreed. He asked if any of us had felt "writers block" (He even used hand quotations) before, and when. I admitted I was pretty failed blogger, and again he laughed. He then said he had some advice that we all, as English majors, need to remember:

Writer's block is not real. When you feel like you have nothing to write about, it's either because you know too little... Or know too much.

I sat there and thought about this blog. And how in almost all my posts I have talked about where I wanted to go with my writing, what I wanted to write about, who I wanted my audience to be. I then realized that my "writers block" wasn't actually a block in itself, it was the fact that I have so much to say, so many feelings and not enough self confidence.

It was then, sitting in this Renaissance Literature class, that I officially decided to stop giving a shit what people say about this blog for good. Who cares if someone has something negative to say about "putting my life out there", or talking about things some people consider "personal"? I haven't gotten to that point yet in this blog, but I hope someday I will. Why should I not post about my favorite TV shows, or when I'm having a bad day and want to hopefully help someone else, or talk current events going on our world? Because a handful of people may disagree with me? Honestly, I hope someone does disagree with me. To me that means people are reading my blog. And people are caring enough about my writing to dislike it. Dislike may be negative, but it is still a feeling on my writing.

I changed my Major Concentration to Writing because I absolutely love it, and it is what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to make money off my writing one way or another. And even if I don't make lots of money (Or money at all), I want to be remembered for something that I wrote. I would love to know that I helped someone, entertained someone, just made someone feel something because of my writing.

So as an introduction again to this blog, here is some advice:

When someone gives you advice, take it. Whether you asked for the advice or not, it will probably help you in the long run. Most of the time when someone is handing you any sort of advice it's because they care about you and are looking out for you. Don't get offended or upset. Take it as a compliment, think about what that person is trying to tell you, and run with it.

Thank you, Dr. Crowley. For inadvertently inspiring me to start blogging again. I may still be shy about what I post on this blog, I am trying to get to the point where I am no longer embarrassed about what I write about, what inspires me, and what I find enjoyable. This is me, this is what gives me joy. It's time to do what I love and not care that someone may disagree with MY feelings.

Take it or leave it, but I am happy with my decisions. I hope you are happy with your own.

A Blistery Day and a Random Post.

I gotta say as much as I'm not at all a morning person, being able to work an eight hour shift and clock out of work by noontime is really wonderful. Plus I get the chance to be pretty lazy the rest of the day while also getting a ton of stuff done (As in, put away a stupid amount of laundry and finish organizing my bedroom that has been neglected for far too long...) And to top it all off I left work in the middle of a normal day in the life of a New Englander: It was snowing as I watched the sun peak out from behind the clouds.

I decided that I need to stop spending so much time pinning "How to Make Money With Your Blog" pins and you know... Write on my blog. So here I am, writing for no reason whatsoever except to, you got it, WRITE!

I bought a really nice pink notebook at Target on Tuesday that I am dedicating to being my Blog Book! Whenever I'm out and about, or sitting at home and inspiration strikes, I am going to outline my thoughts into a (hopefully) interesting post! I'm not much of a planner when it comes to posting on here as you can probably tell by my sporadic posting. I figured having an obnoxious and bright notebook compared to the black notebook I used to have would be helpful in this!

(Hope you enjoy my awkward handwriting)

Since I was out of work and home by 12:30 I was trying to make folding laundry less dreadful by thinking of my blog and my brandy new Blog Book. I am a true believer in outlining and thinking ahead when it comes to writing anything -- I'm just not that good at taking my own advice. So there's a New Years Resolution: ORGANIZE FIRST.

***

One of the things that I wrote in my Blog Book is what do I want out of this blog? I know I've said it before and some people probably just read this blog to be nosy and could care less where I'm taking my blog, but I want to have some sort of idea what I'll be posting, and when. Almost like theme days!

I haven't really decided exactly what I'm doing in regards to posting certain criteria on certain days. However I do know I want to post just about anything at this point. I need to stop being so afraid of what people are going to say about me, or think about this blog. If I want to do a food, book, movie, TV show review I'm gonna do it! If I feel like taking some nice mirror/self-timer selfies for an #ootd post then you're gonna see my clothes! Do I want to talk politics, religion or the topics that society seems to deem "Unmentionable"? Definitely someday, because I have big thoughts that are not filtered because of my big mouth. I'm going to post absolutely anything and everything; whatever me, the writer, damn pleases. I'm being repetitive from earlier posts; I just needed to remind myself that by running this blog I'm working towards my dreams and that's all that should matter :)

I am SO guilty of sitting on Pinterest (Reoccurring themes this post, I know!) and looking at quotes and books and motivational speeches. I happened to notice this particular post right up front on the "Popular" page not too long ago and immediately fell in love. Admittedly I had no idea what works this quote came from, or if it was a misquote or what have you at first. I decided if it was in any of Fitzgerald's novels I was going to read it immediately. And from what I found was that it was a quote from the screenplay of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Hey, I still instagramed it. No shame.

I fell in love with the idea of this quote. It doesn't matter if you're fresh out of high school looking to recreate how your peer perceive you as you venture into college life, or just graduated from college, or found a job, whatever, and you realize you aren't happy with yourself. Find what makes your heart race with excitement and anticipation. Think about what you find your mind wandering to in the middle of the night when you're tossing and turning, overthinking about the job you are going to sign your life away to working day after day. And if you find a job and realize it isn't as rewarding as you first believed it to be: QUIT. Move on. Find your niche. Let yourself be happy at your job. Let yourself be happy in general. Don't work your life away just to get that paycheck to make your bills. Find something that makes you happy. Find something where on Monday mornings you are jumping out of bed at the thought of your job. Life is too damn short to waste away inside a building you dread seeing. Be courageous, be selfish. It won't kill you, I promise.

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Here I am at the tail end of another seemingly pointless post. I feel better than I wrote SOMETHING, even if it seems as though I'm just talking to my computer screen and writing down whatever comes into my brain. I'm still working on organizing and pre-planning my posts, guys! I only bought my notebook three days ago! (........) 

Do I have any advice for the masses, or another Pinterest-discovered quote? If you guessed yes to both, then you win!

My advice? Do what you love. Do not ever be ashamed of chasing after your dreams no matter how utterly insane they may seem right now. There are going to be bumps in the road. There will be people who tell you that your dreams are stupid, or unreachable, and people who will try to make you feel inferior. People will laugh at you. And you know what? Fuck them. *insert peace emoji*

Now I bid you farewell with a collage of some of my favorite Words I have found on my (never-ending) Pinning journey:

Find me on Pinterest :) I also repin way too many food and drink recipes.

xoxo

2015.

I knowwww... Go head and groan at another new years post... I am sorry. Well, not really. Sounds good though, right? Or you could, you know, not read this. Either way, I am jumping on the bandwagon of reminiscing about the past twelve months.

2014 was interesting. It wasn't the best year of my life (2010 still holds that record) but it also wasn't absolutely horrendous (I haven't given any year that title so far). It was just simply interesting. I had a horrible start to the year, but then I realized that I survived the hardest tribulation of my life for a second time, so the next eleven months could only go up from there. And they definitely did. I learned SO much about myself, the world, and life throughout the year. I honestly went into 2014 thinking I finally had found a year I could deem "The Worst Year Ever" but I decided the first week of January I had to stop being so damn pessimistic, and then began to try really fucking hard to make the best out of any situation thrown my way. And I am so glad I did.

I watched Ryan's Dad and step-mom get married (finally!!!) in January. I went on an anniversary getaway weekend in March. I blacked-out with my cousin at a townie bar, and got kicked out at last call for the first (and probably last) time ever. I almost went to nursing school (HAHA). I gained new best friends. Ryan passed his firefighter exams. I got to dance in a recital at my old dance studio. I got to attend three Red Sox games, one of them being Opening Day, and another being Derek Jeter's last game ever. I spent a week on Brant Rock with my family and friends, and the majority of the summer on Cape. I turned 22 at Fenway, too. I read 57 books all year. Some of my favorite books were adapted in incredible movies. I saw some of my favorite Youtube personales (and idols) at a live comedy show in second row. I went to a concert with some of the best people in the world (While also slicing my foot open in the parking lot). Old friendships were rekindled. I celebrated the holidays with my best friends and family by my side. I decided to go back to school in January. I decided to do what I love.

On the flip side, 2014 had it's drawbacks. Although I do not want to focus on them too much, hardships in life teach us to be ever more grateful for every minute we live.

I sat through a trial the first week of January, and I lost. One of the first mentors I had, Mr. Jack Scanlan, passed away. My best friend from elementary school told me to never speak to him ever again because he got engaged. I watched some of my best friends lose loved ones. I went a few months completely isolating myself from the real world caused by crippling self-doubt that I had obtained. I started to believe that I was going nowhere in life, and began to think that life was pointless.

Then I started to think of all the things I had accomplished, or witnessed, or experienced throughout the year, and what would come about as 2014 continued on. I started to realize that I had already been dealt some crazy cards in my lifetime, and although there would be more hands I would lose in the poker game that is called life, I would survive. I may feel as though life is too hard, or not worth it, or feel like a complete failure in my goals, but life goes on. Even if I died tomorrow, I have seen more of the world than some people ever will, I have received love that others dream of, and I have been given the greatest support system that others dream of having.

Life is interesting, and it always will be this big, interesting, confusing poker game.

(Now here is a plethora of photos from my favorite moments of 2014):

Do I have any resolutions? Not really, no. I am horrible at keeping up with remembering what I even said I would try to accomplish in 2015. And to be totally honest, twelve months is a reaaaaally long time. You don't know what could happen to you tomorrow, what could change the course of your life. So trying to make a resolution into the unknown of the new year is daunting to me. Instead, I am going to make a Moments Jar... So instead of writing down resolutions I am going to write down moments from 2015 I hope to never forget. And whenever I'm having a rough day, or feel as though I'm wasting away the year, I'm going to read my Moments. And on New Years a year from now, I will reread them all. And hopefully write another positive blog post.

Here's to you, 2015. I am excited to see what the next twelve months bring to me, my family, and my friends. I know hardships will be inevitable. School will be horrifying. My life is going through some big changes in 2015. I would be lying if I said I wasn't absolutely terrified. That's life, though. A crazy, interesting, explainable journey.

Now buckle up, because 2015 is ready for you.

xoxo