Farewell but Hello.

Here's the thing about blogging: Regardless of what kind of blog you run, whether it's fashion, food, or personal, you are putting a piece of your innermost self out on the internet. And the internet is a scary fucking place to be. And that is exactly why I stopped blogging since March; because I cared too much what people would think of my opinions. Whether I was blogging about the insane events that have been happening in our world, or about nothing in particular, or something personal, I was afraid of what would be said. I mean, I know deep down inside if someone doesn't like what I have to write they would probably hide me from their newsfeeds and not read my blog, but what would happen if I had that one person who would have something to say, regardless if it wasn't a comment on my blog but a status, or a tweet, or whatever? I got so wrapped up in the idea of failing that I did exactly that -- I failed myself by getting too anxious to post, thus letting my blog sit and collect dust.

Over the past few weeks I have began to come around and talk to some people about my blog. I'm a writing major in college. I'm used to the side glances and the "What are you going to do with that?" question. I'm used to the "You could get this job and this job and this job" that has nothing to do with writing, but is still a full-time job. And I realized that unless I get over my fears of pissing someone off with my own thoughts, I would have to settle for a HR job that pays you to edit some big corporate Douchebags e-mails and get no credit for it. Yaaaaaaa, no thank you. I've said it a few times already, but money isn't worth my happiness.

This summer may have been one of the best summers of my life. And I feel like I say that every year, but when I sit and reflect on the past month in itself, I realize that patience and a positive attitude will truly help piece your life together. These past couple years were hard for me, and it goes without saying a lot of that had to do with the people I was surrounded with (Whether I wanted to be surrounded by those people is a mute point, but it has to be said). I had extremely low self-esteem, I felt like all my relationships were crumbling, my anxiety was so bad I was at the point where I was distancing myself from people because I had convinced myself nobody wanted to deal with a giant ball of emotions that was myself. If I didn't even want to be in my own presence, why would my friends be? I let myself get lost in my own emotions, and it was hard for awhile. But while I was in my own world of anxiety and hatred, I had friends who pushed through and never judged me for constantly crying over the same stupid people, who would always answer a text or a phone call almost instantly when I needed them, and who I know will probably be standing next to me on my someday wedding day -- people who not even two months ago I thought I would be this close to.

Because of them,  I woke up one day and decided that even though I do have some issues with my brain, I can't those issues control my entire life. Why not be able to joke about it? It's true what they say, if you can't laugh at yourself you can't laugh at anything. I realized that it's OK to get upset, and it's OK to need time to yourself after a long day of socializing, and it's OK to admit that although it may not be completely normal, it's my reality, and nobody that actually cares about you is going to judge you for needing some time to yourself, or laugh when you get upset over something irrational. Anyone that knows me well knows that the smallest of things can set me off, whether it's tears or a yelling match. And it's not something I ever talked about openly, until now, because my mental health had a lot to do with why I stopped blogging.

It's scary to think about how I let people control my self worth the way I did. I stopped blogging because I knew that people would think me posting about anything, really, was a way for me to seek attention. Because honestly, that's what we writers are -- attention seekers. We are begging you to listen to our voices, to read our words, to pay attention to our opinions. But for whatever reason I decided my voice wasn't important enough; I was convinced my dream of getting paid to write my blog or travel the world with my Best Seller was a pipe dream, and I was giving up. Don't let anyone, ever, let you give up on your dreams. Because if they are destroying your self-image, they are not a good person to be in your life.

 Regardless if you have any control over negative people in your life, it is possible to surround yourself with better, supportive people. People who WILL be there for your crazy dreams, who will tell you that everything works itself out, who will see the good side of you when other people are trying so hard to tear you down. There will always be those people in your life, but if you surround yourself with great friends, you will start to see yourself in a whole new light. You will remember the person you were before -- you will climb out of the hole that is your destroyed self-confidence.

This summer was eye opening for me. I realized that life is fucking hard, and it will test your limits, but if you get up and dust the dirt off, you will rise back to your old self. Instead, your new self will be an even better, more determined, happier version of your old self. There are still days where I'm waiting for the ball to drop and have everything go to shit once again, but mostly I know that very slowly, everything is falling into place. Just like when everything was shitty and hard, if you're patient and positive, your life will fall into place. And it always happens when you aren't even looking.

Farwell, 2015. But Hello to a new happy, peaceful life.

And here's a few snaps from 2015 that I think made me realize how wonderful life is :)

Trying Something New // What's In My Bag?

Happy One Month Since I Last Posted! YIKES.

I'm baaaaaccccck after an accidentally mini-hiatus. Between school, Marylou's and a new job I have become extremely lazy when it comes to making time for this blog. I have decided to (literally) pencil in some more ME time, which hopefully means reading a book that isn't a required text and, you guessed it, writing some stuff for the blog! Ready, sit down for this one... I have a whopping three other posts outlined and written already, and one of which I'll even be posting tomorrow. I KNOW, back-to-back posts. I should probably apologize to those of you who don't really care about this blog but I have recently discovered the "Unfollow" feature on Facebook, so if you don't like what I post you can just unfollow me and I will disappear from your Newsfeeds. You're welcome.

Continuing on. As I've mentioned before I spend a large amount of my downtime watching people online talk into cameras or iPhones on Youtube. Today I happened to stumble upon one of my favorites, Zoe's updated "What's In My Bag" video (I'll post a link to the video at the end!!!) which turned into me making my own post about it, minus the whole talking into a camera thing. Instead I opted for laying out my new, HUGE bag I recently purchased from Target and reviewing what I carried around with me on the daily. Plus it was a great opportunity for me to organize and clean out any recipes, food or extra stuff I had laying in the bottom. So without further rambling, here's my What's In My Bag...

(Small disclaimer: I used my compact Sony camera to take these photos and my room isn't really the brightest so I'm apologizing for the quality of some of these. I left my nicer camera + flash at Ryan's house. Good place for it...)

This is my Merona Tote Handbag From Target. I have a smaller version of this bag in red but I was looking for a new black bag since I realized I own a ton of red shirts. I'm weird and I don't like when things match like my shirts and pocketbook so I searched for another Merona bag on Target's website and fell in love with this! I'm really cheap when it comes to bags and clothes and I've never owned a designer handbag since Target has never let me down with bags! I didn't realize how BIG this was, but since I'm back in school it's super convenient for my night class because I don't need to bring a frumpy backpack to only one class. It has a removal laptop center, two inside pockets, three smaller pockets for your phone, chargers, etc, and a front pocket (pictured) that fits my iPhone 6!

In the removal laptop center I keep all my school and work supplies which includes my iPad mini and Bluetooth keyboard (Both thanks to Ryan!), my planner and pencils, pens & highlighters that I keep in an old Ipsy bag, a notebook I use for blog ideas, reminders, and recently takeout orders at the restaurant I work at, and finally the book A Passage To India which I am currently reading for my Modern British Fiction class! (Also yes, I have an issue with pens and highlighters. I own no less than 100 different pens in a variety of unnecessary colors...)

The front "section" of my bag holds my wallet and my coffee koozie! I seriously need a new wallet because this one is a few years old and it blends in with my new bag... I constantly lose my wallet, or leave it places, or recently just think I did. I also got the wallet at Target (shocker) but if anyone knows of other places to get bigger wallets for a steal pleaseeee let me know, because I need a neon wallet that I won't forget or misplace. My Fenway koozie is honestly my favorite thing in my entire bag since, if you are friends with me on any social media, you know I'm obsesssssed with the Red Sox! I also drink way too much coffee and need to keep that ice from diluting my caffeine, and koozies are the perfect solution :)

The back section of my bag holds every unnecessary item that I could probably do without in a bag but bring with me anyways. On the top I have my Burt's Bees chapstick. I was an advid mint EOS person but I kept losing or somehow breaking the egg so I decided to give Burt's Bees a try and oh boy do I loveeeee this chapstick. I also carry what I had deemed my "Traveling Medicine Cabinet" -- that little Advil bottle holds a handful of different medicines, from Midol to Extra Strength Tylenol to allergy medicine. It's probably not the greatest idea to have all that stuff in one container but it's compact and less extra crap in my bag, so *shoulder shrugs* In the middle I have three (er...) different eyeliners I apparently thought I needed today, along with a travel eyelash curler and a cheap mascarra that my Dad got in his work's Christmas Gift Haul (Thanks, Gillette!) I also always carry a contact case full of fresh solution because I have wonderfully sensitive eyeballs that like to get red and itchy whenever they please.  I also have the essentials of a brush and deodorant since I will admit I can smell pretty nasty, and my hair is so long it gets tangled on anything and anyone. I think my most useless items I carry around are my makeup wipes and nail filer. I have yet to ever use either of these items while out and about, but for whatever reason I never take them out of my bag...

Also hiding in the back of my bag are my glasses and one of these two pairs of sunnies! I got the top orange pair at Claire's for $4 (!!!) Now I know at 22 I probably shouldn't be shopping at Claire's anymore but in my defense I brought my sister to the mall last summer and she was HORRIFIED that I thought the glasses were cute. So I bought them. The bottom pair I bought on a whim at American Eagle one day because I thought I lost the orange pair and I absolutely hate not wearing sunglasses when I drive. They'e not my favorite but they're comfy and simple, so I keep them on backup. In the middle are my eyeglasses which  I need to keep with me incase I need to take my contacts out. I have worse eyesight than an 80 year old, I swear. I got these frames online at Warby Parker for $95, which incase you don't have perscription specs -- is super cheap! I also love Warby Parker's campaign that when you buy a pair of glasses they send a pair of prescription glasses to a child in need. Instantly sold. Check out their website if you're in need of any type of glasses -- prescription or not!

Inside one the smaller pockets I carry these randoms! I always have snacks with me lately because I feel like I'm constantly running from school to home to work and when I get hungry I turn into one of those people from the Snickers commercials... I also have a lighter from my friend Dom's shop... Which I discovered shoots a ten foot flame out of it. I also have the "girly" essentials of a mirror and clips. Random, random, random.

The final pocket of my bag holds sadly the most important items I have with me on the daily: Tissues, a phone charger, a charging cube and my phone. I carry the charging cube with me in case my phone is on some serious low battery; you just plug in the USB side of your phone charger to it and then connect your phone and viola! Charging phone without an outlet. This is always on me because again, I lose everything, and I can never find my car charger for my phone... And the tissues are, to me, just one of those things you always need on you, especially this winter!

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I'm not quite sure if anyone made it to the end of this since it was waaaay longer than I originally planned but if you're like me and are super nosy then thank you for reading! 

Like I said earlier, one of my favorite Youtubers posted her own updated "What's In My Bag" that gave me the inspiration to write this post! So if you're looking for a new bag to purchase, or ways to organize all your stuff (like me) here a few of my favorite/newer "What's In My Bag" videos from some lovely ladies of Youtube:

Zoella What's In My Bag 2015

Bethany Mota What's In My Bag

Casey Holme's What's In My Bag

Tanya Burr What's In My Bag

Thank you for reading this monstrous post, and I hope this was an enjoyable read :)

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I mentioned earlier that tomorrow I am posting another blog, one I have been working on for a year that I was never going to publish. I decided to honor a friend of mine, Jack Scanlan, whose death anniversary was yesterday, by publicly posting a memoir I had written for him. I would absolutely love for anyone to read it, and to honor Jack in every possible way. So be on the lookout tomorrow xoxo

When Someone Gives You Advice, Take It.

Hello? Blog? Are you there?
The last time I posted something on my blog was almost two months ago. I am incredible at keeping up with New Years Resolutions, I know.

To be honest I had no idea when I was going to post next. My lack of posting got to the point where it was almost time to add this blog to the many other profiles I had put effort into that ended up in the internet graveyard that is forgotten blogs. However, a conversation with one of my professors Monday got me rethinking about abandoning this blog for good.

I began to think about this blog when my professor, Dr. Crowley, had given us a writing assessment over the weekend for homework. Write what you got out of a selected reading as practice for our first exam for ten minutes. Easy, quick, won't be too hard. Riiiiight. I read the paragraph, set a timer on my phone, and then stared at my notebook. And stared. Stared some more. And wrote, at most, four sentences. When he asked us to share what we had written I burst out laughing in class and begged him not to call on me. I honestly thought that he was going to be angry, make me read my horrible response and then use it as an example of what NOT to do. Instead he told me he admired my honesty, then followed by asking the class this question:

"Was it writers block, or did you not understand the reading?"

I was upset and frustrated that something such as writing out my understanding towards a reading had become so difficult, especially because I was always decent at explicating poetry in high school, and had mostly gotten As before when I was in school. Now I had written literal crap and was ashamed of my writing. This had never happened to me before. I told him I believed it was most likely because I was rusty from the two years I was not in school and that I had some serious writer's block.

And what was Dr. Crowley's response?
He laughed. And told me writer's block is not real.

I faltered, not going to lie. I almost rolled my eyes and disagreed. He asked if any of us had felt "writers block" (He even used hand quotations) before, and when. I admitted I was pretty failed blogger, and again he laughed. He then said he had some advice that we all, as English majors, need to remember:

Writer's block is not real. When you feel like you have nothing to write about, it's either because you know too little... Or know too much.

I sat there and thought about this blog. And how in almost all my posts I have talked about where I wanted to go with my writing, what I wanted to write about, who I wanted my audience to be. I then realized that my "writers block" wasn't actually a block in itself, it was the fact that I have so much to say, so many feelings and not enough self confidence.

It was then, sitting in this Renaissance Literature class, that I officially decided to stop giving a shit what people say about this blog for good. Who cares if someone has something negative to say about "putting my life out there", or talking about things some people consider "personal"? I haven't gotten to that point yet in this blog, but I hope someday I will. Why should I not post about my favorite TV shows, or when I'm having a bad day and want to hopefully help someone else, or talk current events going on our world? Because a handful of people may disagree with me? Honestly, I hope someone does disagree with me. To me that means people are reading my blog. And people are caring enough about my writing to dislike it. Dislike may be negative, but it is still a feeling on my writing.

I changed my Major Concentration to Writing because I absolutely love it, and it is what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to make money off my writing one way or another. And even if I don't make lots of money (Or money at all), I want to be remembered for something that I wrote. I would love to know that I helped someone, entertained someone, just made someone feel something because of my writing.

So as an introduction again to this blog, here is some advice:

When someone gives you advice, take it. Whether you asked for the advice or not, it will probably help you in the long run. Most of the time when someone is handing you any sort of advice it's because they care about you and are looking out for you. Don't get offended or upset. Take it as a compliment, think about what that person is trying to tell you, and run with it.

Thank you, Dr. Crowley. For inadvertently inspiring me to start blogging again. I may still be shy about what I post on this blog, I am trying to get to the point where I am no longer embarrassed about what I write about, what inspires me, and what I find enjoyable. This is me, this is what gives me joy. It's time to do what I love and not care that someone may disagree with MY feelings.

Take it or leave it, but I am happy with my decisions. I hope you are happy with your own.